MSNBC to Co-Host Debate for G.O.P. 2012 Hopefuls

From the desk of Keith Olbermann:

To:  NBC/MSNBC/Politico production staff for G.O.P. primary debate

Okay, here's the script for the debate.  It's pretty straightforward for this sort of thing; I ask the questions, each candidate gets to give an answer, and they're not supposed to yell over each other.  I'll take care of that last part personally.  Remember, the candidates have already agreed that none of them get to review the questions ahead of time.  Make sure we have all nine cameras going, get a close up on each candidates face, we can use the footage of whichever one has the most stupid expression each time.  Yeah, I know, that'll be all of them, but we have to pick one to be the Worst and Stupidest Person in the World.

Question one:  How long have you supported the death penalty for women who choose an abortion after finding out they have a tubal pregnancy following a gang-rape by white supremacists?  Do you really think it's fair to go back and apply this to women who had such an abortion before you passed the law?  And isn't it true that you were actually one of the white supremacists who attacked the poor woman?

Question two:  Are you willing to re-consider your position to repeal the 13th, 14th and 15th amendments?  After all, don't you think a majority of Americans today oppose your plan to strip women, blacks, Hispanics, Asians and Jews of their right to vote while re-imposing slavery?  Is your mother proud of what you are doing here to strip so many proud Americans of their basic rights?

Question three:  Do you still support the illegal, undeclared, genocidal wars against the peaceful religion of Islam that cowboy President Bush of yours foisted off on this unsuspecting nation?  Isn't it true that you personally killed a Muslim child and used his blood in your Matzo crackers for Passover?  Do you really think the American people are fooled by your claims to want a peaceful co-existence with Muslims?

Question four:  Do you still plan to raise taxes on the poorest Americans by four-hundred percent in order to pay for a tax cut restricted only to millionaires who have never worked a day in their lives?  Additionally, are you still standing by your proposal to cut Social Security benefits to minorities by forty percent so the rich white retirees in the Bahamas can continue to take it easy at everyone else's expense?

Question five:  Do you still plan to use your vote against the completely successful Obama health care plan as a stealth vote to repeal all funding for Medicare and Medicaid?  Don't you really think that MSNBC's poll showing that 93% of Americans approve of the President's health care plan is proof that you should quit criticizing both the plan and the man? 

Question six:  Considering that winning this primary would only ensure that you are permanently enshrined as the Worst and Stupidest Person in the World, don't you really think you're better off just giving up now?  Since our latest MSNBC poll shows that 99.5% of the American people believe President Obama is The One We've Been Waiting For and The Greatest World Leader Ever, don't you think it's presumptuous of you to run against Him anyway?

Okay, I think these ought to do for a start.  Just to let you know, we're going to be bringing Rick Sanchez back as our Hispanic guest judge for the debate, while Rachel Maddow will do a special surprise interrogation session on the homophobia of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".  Look forward to you're seeing me at the debate.

The Best Person in the World,

Keith Olbermann