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Monday, November 29, 2010

Hillary Clinton Looks at the World Situation

From the desk of Secretary of State H. R. Clinton:

To: United States diplomatic staff

Dear U.S. Consulate Employees,

As you are well aware, one of your primary job duties is to collect information about your host country that may be of use to the United States.  This information is often of a sensitive nature, and may concern matters of local politics, military policies or economic plans.  Please be aware that it is important that you forward all of this information up the chain of command in a discrete and professional manner.  This information is used in forming United States policy decisions in a wide range of areas, and as such is vital to our national interests.  Please be aware that this is a critically important role you have been called upon to fulfill, and that you have my deepest respect and full support.

That being said, there are some particular areas of concern which have come up that I must require you to keep your eyes and ears open to at all times.  It has come to my attention that many foreign leaders are expressing certain reservations about our current President, Barak Obama.  I believe it is important that you note and catalog these concerns, and that you expedite their delivery directly to myself.

Specifically, many world leaders may be expressing concern about President Obama's ability to project the strength needed from a U.S. President when dealing with hostile dictatorships such as Iran and North Korea.  If you note any such misgivings, especially if it is from a governmental leader willing to go on the record, please immediately notify me of such a development.  It is of the utmost importance that I receive this information promptly and directly.

I also understand that many leaders around the world are currently critical of President Obama's handling of the economy.  If you come across such an individual, and he or she is willing to go on the record, please make me aware of this immediately.  Try to determine whether this is a world leader who might be well received by the American people as well, as I must determine exactly what damage control will be necessary when dealing with such information.

Additionally, it may be that some world leaders are looking for opportunities to try to influence United States elections through infusions of foreign cash.  As you engage in information gathering activities, it would be a good idea to find out if such leaders exist, and if so, whether they are considering bankrolling a challenger to President Obama, especially in the Democratic Primary.  If you come across such individuals, especially if they are truly in a position to provide substantial funding, it is imperative that you make me aware of it immediately.

Finally, it may be that there are foreign leaders out there, especially in Southeast Asia, who may have damaging biographical background information available about President Obama which they have not yet released.  It is absolutely imperative that any such information make its way to me immediately.  I assure you, should you provide such information, not only will you not be punished, it will greatly enhance your career.  So those of you on the ground in a certain Muslim Southeast Asia country, get digging in a hurry if you want to move up the ladder.

In summation, I need to know if world leaders are willing to publicly complain about our President's ability to handle military and economic problems, if they are willing to bankroll a challenger to him in the next election, and if they have any dirt on him.  Obviously this information is of the gravest national security concern, and should be forwarded directly to myself, without being viewed by anyone else.  Please remember your proper chain of command.  There is no need to bother President Obama himself with these matters, I am quite capable of taking care of them for him.

Keep up the great work!


United States Secretary of State H. R. Clinton

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