From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
To: Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu
Prime Minister Netanyahu,
Look, we have a real problem here. There is all kinds of trouble and turmoil coming out of your part of the world right now, and quite frankly I'm getting sick and tired of it. I'm tired of hearing about Iran, and everyone wanting Me to bomb them (not gonna do it; wouldn't be prudent at this juncture); worrying about the rising price of oil (which is actually a good thing, it'll help my plan to stop global warming); and Al Qaeda. Do you see a common thread here? Well, I do, so let Me point it out. It's you. Israel.
Look, before 1948 nobody ever had to worry about the Iranians getting a nuclear weapon, oil prices or Al Qaeda. But then you get your precious little piece of real estate over there, which you stole from the Palestinians just like the white folks stole this country from the Native Americans. And then you couldn't be happy with what you were given, you had to go and take more. Now, on top of everything else, you want to build more housing units for jews in East Jerusalem. What were you thinking?
Look, I've got the Saudis, the Iranians, the Turks, the Palestinians, the Jordanians, the Egyptians and everybody else yelling at me night and day about this. Of course I understand. Everybody knows if you let a bunch of jews move into a neighborhood it drives down the property values for everyone else who lives there. Next you'll have a bunch of freaks in yarmulkes walking around a chanting all them time, at least whenever they aren't out stealing babies' blood to make Matzos for passover. It's just crazy, and nobody wants you there. So I'm just going to have to tell you flat out to stop building in East Jerusalem. No more. Got it?
Now please don't think I'm some how singling you out for this. There are plenty of other folks I'm going to be giving the old cease and desist to as part of this notice. Why right over here in the united states I'm going to have Attorney General Eric Holder put a stop to any more non-Hispanic whites building in East Los Angeles. Everybody knows East L.A. is the homeland of our proud Mexican immigrant community. Letting more white people move in there is a complete insult to them. Those white people insist on speaking English, which is not the native language of East L.A., making all kinds of noise about immigration control, and try to foist their culture off on the native community. So we're going to have building freezes for jews in East Jerusalem and non-Hispanic whites in East Los Angeles.
While I'm at it, let me say a few words about Eastern Europe. Up until the last couple of decades those people enjoyed a Socialist Paradise under the direction of benevolent Soviet leadership. But along came that b-grade movie actor Reagan, who had to go and make a mess of everything. Well, it's past time to set it right. So from here on out, I will be working with President Putin to restore Eastern Europe to its rightful sphere of influence, as per My re-set agreement with the Russians. We will be putting an end to the pernicious influence of capitalism and christianity, and restoring Eastern Europe to the socialist paradise that is its rightful destiny.
On the same note, I will re-direct the united states' Eastern Asia policy in a similar vein. This belligerent country I'm trying to save has spent far too much time and money on places like Taiwan and South Korea. It's time to admit that the Koreas will be better off under one strong leader, and that Taiwan rightfully belongs to China. In so doing I will be able to avoid costly and needless wars and bloodshed, and put an end to the disgusting pattern of this country in throwing its weight around in parts of the world where it is not welcome.
So, in a nutshell, Prime Minister Netanyahu, you are to stop letting jews move into East Jerusalem, while I will keep the whites out of East L.A., the capitalists and christians out of East Europe, and american influence out of East Asia. Once we have followed through on this plan we can be assured of lasting peace in our time. After all, once we give the Muslims, Mexicans, Russians and Chinese what they want we can be assured that they will be appeased, leaving us in peace and tranquility. I assure you that your only other choice is war, and that I will NOT support you in that.
Sincerely,
united states President for Life B. Hussein Obama
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