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Friday, November 12, 2010

Obama's Deficit Reduction Panel Recommendations

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Citizens,

Back around the beginning of November it was brought to My attention that a bunch of you have a problem with the deficit that the Federal Government is currently running up each year.  While I realize this could be viewed as a problem, it is important to remember that this is a problem I inherited from that cowboy Bush, and which I have been endeavoring night and day to rectify.  Let Me be perfectly honest with you.  I find your obsession with deficits to be a little neurotic.  After all, if we run out of money, the Fed can always just print more.  So why worry?  But since you people out there in flyover land have gotten yourselves into such a lather about this, I have a plan to eliminate the deficit for you. 

First of all, kiss the mortgage deduction on your house goodbye.  It's not like that deduction does any real good anyway.  If the last few years have shown anything, it's that you people are not up to managing your own finances well enough to own your own homes anyway.  So I have decided to quit encouraging you to do what you shouldn't do to begin with.  I figure with all the extra dough that will roll in after that particular deduction is gone I can finance plenty more trips to exotic locations like Mumbai, as long as they have top-flight golf courses. 

Next up, no more child-tax credit deduction.  Don't you rednecks know that every time you pop out another baby you're killing the planet?  Humans are the cause of global warming, and here I am giving you a tax credit to make more of 'em.  Well, no more money for those little CO2 machines of yours.  As a bonus, the money I save this way will pay for even more third-trimester birth control under My great health care plan, which will save the planet that much faster.  It's two for one!

I have, furthermore, discovered some areas where I can make immediate spending cuts, since all you Tea-baggers out there always want less spending.  First of all, after reviewing the budget for the Department of Defense, I believe that we can dispense with expenditures for new jet fighters (after all, Al Qaeda doesn't have an air force), missile defense (Al Qaeda doesn't have ICBMs either), aircraft carriers and submarines (Al Qaeda doesn't have a navy).  Once we eliminate spending on these areas I'll have enough money left over for Michelle to take just as many of her friends as she wants on that next European jaunt.  After all, she's got all kinds of depressed friends.

Well, you asked for it and now you have it.  Timmy Geithner has done all the math on this for Me, and assures Me that this plan will balance the budget by 2015.  And if Timmy Geithner says it, then that's good enough for Me, so it better be good enough for you.  Just let Me know if there's anything else I can do for you.


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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