Hebert Hoover Helps Hapless Obama

From the desk of former President Herbert Hoover:

To:  Current U.S. President B. Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

I have observed your trials and tribulations over your first two years in office, and I must say it pains me to see you in such dire straits.  I, too, suffered horribly while sacrificing on behalf of my country by serving as President.  Perhaps my insights may be of use to you in your service as President.  After all, if anybody knows about dealing with an economic downturn and unemployment, it would be me.

First of all, remember your first principles.  I am pleased to see that you, like me, are an adherent of the efficiency movement.  You realize, just as I did, that ordinary people are not capable of ordering the affairs of their day to day lives, and must be directed in how to do so by well-educated experts of superior intelligence.  I am glad to see that you have applied this principle to the matter of health care.  I believe that if you stay the course and refuse to allow Congress to repeal or de-fund your plan, you can do for health care what I was able to do for so many other aspects of American life.  It is important to remember that patients and doctors need guidance from a firm and wise hand in Washington in order to assure that valuable resources are not squandered in inefficient practices.  Please keep up the good work in this area.

I am likewise pleased to see your strong emphasis on volunteerism.  I, too, was a strong proponent of having people serve as volunteers.  After all, if they're not employed, they may as well have something worthwhile to do with their time.  I believe that you should follow the advice of Congressman Charlie Rangle and institute mandatory national service.  This should get a lot of those complaining young people off the streets and give them something to do besides complain about a lack of jobs.  I believe it could boost your prospects exponentially.

Speaking of jobs, I understand that you are having a hard time getting enough manufacturing jobs in place.  Well, I know just the thing.  In 1930 I signed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act into law, with amazing results.  I think you should try the same thing today.  After all, if people can buy goods made overseas too cheaply, it will destroy your infrastructure.  Thus, I recommend as many punitive tariffs as you can put into place as quickly as possible.  As an added bonus, this will greatly increase your popularity with the unions.

Another policy of yours I find appealing is your plan to roll back the Bush tax cuts on high-end wage earners.  Why, I used that same tactic myself in 1932, when I also raised the estate tax (what the rubes call a "death tax") and corporate income taxes as well.  I must say, that went smashingly!  The results were simply astounding.  Of course, I know you'll get criticism for this.  Why, I was so adamant in my position that even FDR accused me of taxing and spending too much!  But, as you know, I believe history has shown I was right.

Additionally, I helped balance the budget by making massive cuts in defense spending, especially the navy.  I assure you, you have many times more ships than you really need already.  Take it from me, you can always cut defense spending without having to worry about any untoward consequences.  People will vote you out if you cut their handouts, no one will vote you out if you mothball the fleet.  And as you and I both know, there's no worse fate than being voted out of office.

I also implemented an earlier version of your stimulus bill, the Emergency Relief and Construction Act, which pumped massive amounts of federal spending into building programs.  Then, just as now, the program was a complete success.  Really, I get annoyed with the way people criticize the two of us.  I suppose you can only expect so much out of lesser minds.

Really, now that I think about it, you are already following my program right down the line.  I can't think of a single area where we have any significant disagreement.  So I suppose I must simply give you a hearty congratulations on your superior intellect and urge you to stay the course.  I know you will have your detractors, but let's face it, history will be the final judge.  I know that's worked out fine for me, and I'm sure it will for you as well.

Your Admiring Friend,

Former President Herbert Hoover