President Obama addresses Korean peninsula crisis

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To the people of the Korean peninsula,

It has come to My attention that there is an escalating dispute taking part on your peninsula.  Having reviewed the matter in question and discussing it with My top advisers, I have decided to address the situation and quell the disturbance taking place in your part of the world.


The first thing you need to understand is that Kim Jung Il and the people of the Great Republic of North Korea do, in fact, have numerous legitimate grievances against the people of south korea.  Having reviewed the latest economic data, it has come to My attention that south korea has an economy at least twenty times as large as North Korea.  It is My sincere belief that much of the trouble taking place is a direct result of the selfish people of south korea refusing to spread the wealth around to their Northern kinfolk.  Has it never occurred to you greedy south koreans that if you were willing to share your wealth, most likely stolen from some indigenous, stone-aged people, then the Great Republic of North Korea would not feel it necessary to lash out against you?

Quite frankly, the refusal of the greedy south korean government to spread the wealth around to their poor and needy kinfolk up North constitutes an act of aggression in and of itself.  So, as you can see, it was actually south korea that made the initial aggressive move in this latest round of incidents, and it is therefore south korea's responsibility to make things right.  Even now I am consulting with my advisers Bernanke and Geithner to determine just how much money the south koreans should pay in reparations to the Great People's Republic of North Korea in order to settle this matter.

As long as I have to assess blame, however, it behooves Me to point out that there is most likely another culprit behind this mess as well:  Israel.  Recently, the Great People's Republic of North Korea has extended peaceful overtures to both Syria and Iran, helping them to establish environmentally friendly forms of renewable energy production.  The Israelis, in their typical fashion, have attempted to undermine this peaceful and beneficial relationship between other states.  At the same time, the Israelis have started providing military hardware to the belligerent south korean nation, specifically missile defense and uav technology.  I ask you to consider, is it not only possible, but likely, that the greedy jews are attempting to create strife for their own benefit?  Perhaps the best way to resolve this crisis is for the peoples of the Korean peninsula to realize that they have a common enemy in the greedy jews of Israel.

Additionally, I must at this point ask for forgiveness on behalf of the pathetic people I now lead here in Amerikkka.  I must confess that this country, in its hegemonic and belligerent past, did in fact participate in a war upon your peninsula, and was directly responsible for the murder of untold millions of Korean and Chinese citizens.  I wish to express My deepest regret for the genocidal actions of Harry Truman and Dwight Eisenhower, as well as the notorious war criminal MacArthur.  I assure you that now that I am in charge this is an entirely different nation.  Those ghosts of this country's warlike past will soon be completely purged under My Divine Guidance.  Please accept my apology on their behalf, and let this conflict end.

In closing, I believe that this conflict will soon come to a peaceable end.  All we have to do is admit that south korea needs to make proper reparations for its aggression, understand that Israel is the true enemy, and accept that the united states will never again interfere in the korean peninsula in the way it did under past leaders.  If you follow this path not only will the fighting cease, but you may soon look forward to a completely unified peninsula under the benign and wise guidance of Kim Jung Il and his rightful heir.

With all due apologies for Amerikkka's past,

President for life B. Hussein Obama