Thanksgiving letter I

From the desk of D. Mehpistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Dear President Obama,

I have considered your request for advice and assistance from my esteemed firm in implementing your agenda for the nation over which you currently preside.  Having given due diligence and considerable research, I have found an area for improvement which I strongly recommend for immediate implementation.  My firm has determined that the upcoming “holiday” your nation celebrates each year, namely “Thanksgiving” is a continuous and dangerous impediment to our mutual goals.  Please allow me to explain why this is so and what you can do about it.

First of all, this matter of your people offering thanks to someone other than the state, in the person of you, its chief ruler, is harmful to our goals concerning your human notions of “freedom”.  Each year the superstitious inhabitants of the “flyover” country, along with a sizable number of even your more enlightened coastal regions, offer “thanks” to some imagined “higher power” (whose name I will not mention, as a matter of good taste) for their “freedoms”.  Thus this “holiday” of theirs becomes an annual reminder to them that they owe their freedom and ultimate allegiance to some power higher than yourself.  

Mr. President, this is simply unacceptable.  As I have explained previously, all “freedoms” which your pathetic species may enjoy are simply a social contract which you arrange with one another.  The idea that your species could have intrinsic rights, granted by a higher power, is specious, and causes your people to rebel when you exercise your rightful authority over them, their families, their neighbors and their pathetic religious institutions.  Thus you must with all haste put an end to this notion of “thanksgiving” to a “higher power” for “freedom” if you wish to be successful in fully implementing our ultimate agenda.

To add to the destructive nature of this nonsense, your people gather in social groups, known locally as “families”, to celebrate this “holiday”.  As I have explained to you previously, these family units are a constant thorn to our agenda, especially when gathered together to express “thanksgiving” to some “higher power”.  Please face the facts Mr. President, as long as your people are so attached to their “families” they will never be as completely dependent upon the Great State as they must be for your complete success.  Hence, you must do all within your power to destroy this irritating and unpatriotic institution.  I recommend that you hasten the institution of gay marriage, continue to advocate abortion on demand through the fourth trimester, repeal all child tax-credits and re-distribute wealth from two-parent “families” to those who make the wiser choice of having children without a “spouse”.  Once your people have no families to gather with they will lose much of what they give “thanks” for and have no one to lean upon other than yourself.  

I must also point out that this holiday is a direct affront to your great leadership, Mr. President.  Each year these people of yours give “thanks” for those who foolishly and uselessly died for the “freedoms” your country so stupidly celebrates.  When your people do this, they forget that YOU are the source of whatever freedoms they are allowed to enjoy.  By remembering those who died on their behalf they become less attached to you and your greatness.  They have less and less desire to rely upon the Great State and its bounty.  You must do all within your power to stamp this out as quickly as possible.  Remember, you have a limited amount of time in which to secure your success.  The enemy is always waiting to snatch the hearts and minds of this people away from you, do not give him the chance.

Thus, I recommend that you immediately do away with this “Thanksgiving holiday”.  Remind your people that they owe no debt of gratitude to their families, to the soldiers who died for their “freedoms” and especially not to some “higher power” whom they mistakenly believe to be the source of their freedom.  I recommend that you institute a day of “Civic Gratitude” instead, since they will demand something in its place, a day in which they can list the great blessings that you have given them through the benevolent Federal Government.  Let them have a day to thank YOU, Mr. President, for health care, for economic stimulus, for spreading the wealth around, and for all your other great works.  Only when they have given up giving thanks to Our Common Enemy and put him out of their knowledge altogether can our success be final.

I will continue to consider this problem and offer new suggestions as they become available.

Your Patron, Friend and Admirer,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law