President Obama Retains New Special Envoy to Negotiate Peace in Far East

From the desk of Neville Chamberlain:

To United States President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear President Obama,

I am deeply gratified that you have chosen me to negotiate a peaceful resolution to the current troubles taking place in the Pacific Far East on your behalf.  I assure you that I have both great expertise and enormous experience in such matters, and that I have already proffered to the Chinese and North Korean governments terms which will soon bring all hostilities to a close.  I am happy to report that both the Chinese and North Korean governments have indicated that they are willing to accept these terms, and upon the implementation of my plan they will consider all questions settled with no need for armed hostilities.

Hillary Clinton Looks at the World Situation

From the desk of Secretary of State H. R. Clinton:

To: United States diplomatic staff

Dear U.S. Consulate Employees,

As you are well aware, one of your primary job duties is to collect information about your host country that may be of use to the United States.  This information is often of a sensitive nature, and may concern matters of local politics, military policies or economic plans.  Please be aware that it is important that you forward all of this information up the chain of command in a discrete and professional manner.  This information is used in forming United States policy decisions in a wide range of areas, and as such is vital to our national interests.  Please be aware that this is a critically important role you have been called upon to fulfill, and that you have my deepest respect and full support.

Nancy Seeks a New Man

From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:

To: Kim Jong Il

Dear Great Divine Leader Il,

I hate to be forward, but I am a modern woman and you are, of course, a more than modern man.  I must admit that I have followed your career for a number of years and have become a great admirer of your brilliant leadership of the North Korean people.  After seeing your latest displays of virility in dealing with the obnoxious right-wing goons in South Korea, I believe the time has come for me to approach you directly.  You see, I have a problem, and I believe that you are the solution.

President Obama addresses Korean peninsula crisis

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To the people of the Korean peninsula,

It has come to My attention that there is an escalating dispute taking part on your peninsula.  Having reviewed the matter in question and discussing it with My top advisers, I have decided to address the situation and quell the disturbance taking place in your part of the world.

Saul Alinsky addresses the TSA problem

From the desk of Saul Alinsky:

My dear fellow Americans,

Back when I wrote my Rules for Radicals, I had no idea how things would end up.  I assure you, when I wrote the dedication to my book I believed my hero was a purely fictional character, a mistake I assure you I deeply regret.  While I am displeased with my ultimate fate, as well as the misuse to my principles made by the current power structure, I believe there are a number of things that the American people can learn from my book when dealing with the current TSA regime.

Thanksgiving letter I

From the desk of D. Mehpistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Dear President Obama,

I have considered your request for advice and assistance from my esteemed firm in implementing your agenda for the nation over which you currently preside.  Having given due diligence and considerable research, I have found an area for improvement which I strongly recommend for immediate implementation.  My firm has determined that the upcoming “holiday” your nation celebrates each year, namely “Thanksgiving” is a continuous and dangerous impediment to our mutual goals.  Please allow me to explain why this is so and what you can do about it.

United States Attorney General Eric Holder helps out CA police officers

From: United States Attorney General Eric Holder

To: California Governor Jerry Brown

Dear Governor Brown,

It has come to the attention of this administration that your state is currently somewhat fiscally distressed, and as a result is requesting some assistance from the Federal Government.  At the request of President Obama, I have put together some directives that you will need to meet in order to qualify for Federal funding of your law enforcement functions.

TSA Announces New Screener Recruitment and Training

From the desk of Janet Napolitano:

Re: Recruitment and training of TSA airport screeners.

It has come to my attention that some of our TSA employees have expressed a certain amount of discomfort with the use of full-body scans and the accompanying "grope the rope" or "press the chest" searches that are mandatory for those opting out of our high-powered (but perfectly safe) X-ray machines.  While I appreciate that the use of any new technology may be somewhat disconcerting at first, it is our obligation to make sure that we perform our assigned function flawlessly, without regard for our personal feelings for the manner in which we conduct ourselves on the job.

To expedite this flawless function, I am immediately implementing the following hiring and training policies for our personnel.  Please be advised that Attorney General Eric Holder has reviewed these policies and assures me that they are both legal and Constitutional, and that President Obama has personally expressed to me his full support for these policies.

1)  In all future background checks, we will now give preference to individuals who have arrest and/or conviction records for such offenses as indecent exposure, voyeurism and contributing to the delinquency of a minor.  It is the finding of our psychology department that these individuals will be far less likely to flinch from performing their required duties while taking nude X-ray pictures and feeling up passengers.  Additionally, any individual who has been successfully sued for sexual harassment should be given preference in the hiring process, especially if the harassment in question involved "inappropriate" touching.  It is the finding of this office that such individuals have the moxie to do what needs to be done to accomplish our mission.  Finally, extra preference should be given to any individual who meets the above criteria AND is sexually oriented towards members of his/her own gender.  It is our belief that these individuals will be highly motivated to provide an extra-thorough touch to their job performance.

2)  For those screeners who still blanch at doing their duty for their country due to "moral scruples" or other such nonsense, our psychologists have developed a training regimen which they assure me will bring them around in a hurry.  These screeners will be required to view no fewer than four (4) consecutive hours of same-sex pornography (the gender of the performers will be the same as the gender of the TSA screener) at least twice a week.  It is the view of our psychologists that repeated exposure to this material will, over time, break down these screeners reluctance to "get a grip" on their job duties, and thus improve their performance. 

3)  As per our previous guidelines, please be aware that the following groups are considered especially dangerous, and should receive extra attention from our new screening procedures:
  a) U.S. military personnel returning from war zones or headed to war zones.
  b) Individuals wearing garb readily identifiable as christian clergy.
  c) Individuals sporting any button, decal, t-shirt, hat, logo, etc. identifying themselves as members of the "Tea Party" movement.
  d) Elderly or disabled persons using metallic walkers, canes or braces of any sort.
  e) Boy Scouts.

4)  As per previous guidelines, please be aware that any individual wearing readily identifiable Muslim garb is NOT to be subjected to this screening process for ANY reason.  This process is, of course, highly objectionable to practitioners of the peaceable religion of Islam, and could well be construed as profiling.  Any TSA screener found to have coerced or attempted to coerce any Muslim to submit to these screening procedures is subject to immediate termination and criminal prosecution.

I hope and expect these new recruitment tools and training tips will be of the utmost value in carrying out our ongoing mission.  Remember, only you can prevent profiling.

Sincerely,

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano

Mitt Romney 2012

From the desk of Mitt Romney:

My Fellow Republicans,

At this time I wish to solicit your vote to be nominated as the G.O.P. Presidential candidate of 2012. There are many great reasons to vote for me, and I would like to list them here:

1) Health Care. It's a big issue, all right. It's the reason we hold the House of Representatives now, and picked up a few seats in the Senate. Well, I know more about government takeovers of health care than anybody else in the whole Republican party. I was for it before I was against it (learned how to do that in MA politics) and now I'm for it AND against it, a truly original position! I'm a veritable kama sutra of positions on health care, so you're sure to like on of them!

2) Social issues. Pro-life or pro-choice? Me too! Personally against gay marriage but willing to put it into practice anyway? Me too! Member of a conservative religion but love liberal government social policies? Me too! And let's face it, nobody wears a suit and tie to church better than I do. I'm a veritable Charlie Crist of positions on social issues. Just let me know which one you like.

3) We don't need the NRA vote or the right-to-life vote or the citizens opposed to Obamacare vote, or the traditional marriage vote to win anyway. We need the more enlightened vote of the Northeastern Moderate Republican if we're going to win this race, and I've got that vote wrapped up!

4) I guarantee I can carry Utah for the Republican party this time!

5) I may get a bigger minority of the vote in Massachusetts than the Republican normally does!

6) I have the best hair in the race, even better than Palin!

7) If you don't vote for me it's because you're an anti-Mormon bigot!

8) I'm not just Obama-lite, I'm Obama white!

9) I'm not a RINO, I just play one on TV!

I look forward to serving as your nominee in 2012, and have already secured a promise from Charlie Crist to serve as my running mate, which should give our ticket that much loved "regional balance". Michael Steele says we're a perfect couple and a sure thing. Look forward to getting your checks in the mail!

Your 2012 Republican Nominee,

Mitt Romney

Holder Trumpets Victory in Ghailani Trial Verdict

From the desk of Eric Holder:

To the American people:

As Attorney General of the United States, I would like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention our resounding success in the prosecution of Ahmed Ghailani.  For those of you who are not familiar with Mr. Ghailani, he is the Al Qaeda operative who succeeded in bombing two of our embassies, one in Kenya and Tanzania.  These bombings resulted in the deaths of 224 innocent people, many of them U.S. citizens.  We have now brought this case to a close with the acquittal of Mr. Ghailani on all 224 counts of murder, although he was convicted of one count of conspiracy to destroy U.S. buildings and property.

Many of this administration's enemies in the Republican party and right-wing press have malevolently asserted that Mr. Ghailani's acquittal for murder demonstrates that this administration's policy of trying foreign terrorists in civilian courts is a failure.  I would like to point out that this is completely inaccurate, and that in point of fact this trial has been a complete success.  Too often we allow ourselves to be caught up in notions of "winning" and "losing", and in so doing lose sight of the bigger picture.  The bigger picture here is that we have demonstrated to the world that we are willing to live by our own rules.

What exactly does this mean?  This means that no matter what you do to a U.S. citizen, you can be assured that we will abide by all laws and rules of civil procedure if and when we happen to capture you.  True, this may lead to a loss of life, especially for those in foreign service and the military, but this loss of life is completely justified in demonstrating our moral superiority, and that is what really matters. 

Please be advised, when I refer to our moral superiority, I do not mean we are morally superior to the rest of the world, or to those impoverished unfortunates whose misunderstanding of Islam has led them into the extremist camp of Al Qaeda.  No, I mean the moral superiority of this administration to that cowboy George W. Bush.  I have no doubt that were Bush still in office poor Mr. Ghailani would meet a gruesome end regardless of the verdict in court.  In fact, I believe it is quite likely that Mr. Ghailani would never have seen the inside of a civilian courtroom were Bush still in office.  More likely it would have been some military star chamber, and then a bullet in the back of the head, and that would have constituted a complete failure of our system.

I am proud to say that the Obama administration in which I serve has proven today that regardless of the outcome, regardless of the implications for national security, and regardless of how much innocent American blood must be shed, we will never forsake our principals.  These principals must hold fast.  We will always adhere to the right of every unfortunate soul who misunderstands Islam and engages in extremist activities to have a fair trial in a civilian court.  That is the bedrock principal upon which this nation rests, and we must never forsake it. 

In closing then, allow me to re-iterate.  We won today.  The verdict was irrelevant, for we have proven to the world that we will always play by the rules of the civilian courtroom, regardless of the implications for the lives of our citizens, and in so doing have proven ourselves morally superior to that cowboy Bush and his fascist cohorts in the military and the Republican party.  This is indeed a great day for America.

Sincerely,

Attorney General Eric Holder

Michelle Obama on Health and Fitness

From the desk of First Lady Michelle Obama:

Dear Fatties,

I have tried, really and genuinely, to be proud of this pathetic country. For one brief moment, when you finally woke up from you sugar induced coma long enough to do something smart for once you elected Barry. But ever since then you've been right back to your old ways. I can't stand it I tell you, I just can't stand it.

Do you have any idea what it's like having to explain to my friends in Paris that yes, I really am from America, that place with all the fat red-neck slobs? Do you have any idea how it makes me feel to have to admit that I actually live around you people? How is that fair to me?

Look, I work out, I dress great, and I look GOOD! Why can't the rest of you be more like me? Even my own kids are selling me out. The two little fatties are all the time stuffing their faces, and both complain about their daily Pilates. I tell you being a parent in this culture of obesity is a nightmare! So wake up America, and put down the Twinkies! Do you all want to look like a bunch of bloated Rush Limbaugh clones? You're fat, you're ugly and you're stupid, and until you're willing to admit it there's no way I can help you make the changes you need. I tell you it's enough to make me forget that I was ever proud of this place at all.

Honestly, this whole thing has left me so depressed that I'm just going to have to get out of town for a while to clear my head. I hear the Riviera is nice this time of year. I'll just have to have the Secret Service make sure there aren't any fatties uglying up the beach before I get there. In the meantime, I suggest you all ditch the red meat, stock up on arugula, and hit the stair climbers. Elsewise I am never going to be able to put up with the sight of you again.

Looking out for your best interests,

First Lady Michelle Obama

Gaia Heart Episcopalian Growth Plan

From the desk of the Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O'Shannasey-Mitchell:

Dear Congregants,

I realize that many of you have become concerned with the decreasing size of our faith community here at Gaia Heart Episcopal Church and Gay Dating Service. I further realize that we have of late lost many of our less enlightened members to those bigoted "churches" which oppose full rights for our LBGTPB (Lesbian, Bisexual, Gay, Transgendered, Pedophile, Bestiality) community. However, after discussing this matter with some of my fellow clergy, I believe we have hit upon a solution. It appears there are large numbers of the LBGTPB community residing within the restrictive, patriarchal, homophobic churches of some of the so-called "christian" churches around us. What we need to do is increase our outreach to these individuals, so that they may come out from those churches and into a welcoming, friendly congregation that will accept them where and who they are.

Here are some of the ideas I have for Gaia Heart Episcopal Church and Gay Dating Service:

1) LGBTPB affirmation day. We will take out ads in all local papers, billboards, and the adult services section of Craigslist. We need to let these folks know there's a place where they can come to get their thing on, whatever it is, and still be accepted. I believe if we can get the word out like this, especially on Craigslist, it will really help our membership drive.

2) We need to advertise our alternate views class of religious history and get more clergy in here to take part. I really think our "Baal, misrepresented icon of male sexual prowess" and "Dagon, the fun god of sun and surf" classes could be quite attractive to many of the LBGTBP community.

3) Now that we have a local Pagan community, we need to reach out to them by stressing that being a christian and a Pagan do not have to be exclusive choices. We'll accept you as both! Considering the increasing size of the local Pagan community, this should open up quite a lot of membership possibilities to us.

4) Increase funding for our legal defense fund. As you know, the current fascist police state we live under is highly oppressive to our LBGTBP community. By increasing the amount of money we can pay to top-notch defense counsel we should be able to attract many new members who may need defense counsel from time to time. This is especially true of the "P" community, who remain stigmatized and demonized by most of our fellow "christians". By showing that we will warmly welcome them just as they are we should be able to attract all kinds of new members!

5) Finally, we need to distribute the new bibles we have finally received from Mephistopheles Press Publishing. I love that they have finally had the courage to excise the collected writings of the apostle Paul, which were clearly apocraphyl, and have replaced it with the gospels of Thomas, Judas, Mary Magdalene, The Seven Sons of Sceva, The Confessions of Caligula and the Remembrances of Nero. I believe this new version, with its updated text, is just what we need to reach the LBGTBP community being persecuted in churches all around us!

These are just some of my thoughts. Please feel free to add any ideas of your own, and remember to always use protection on that first date!

I look forward to seeing you at our Friday night "love feast" (and everyone remember to bring your own lubricants this time).

In deepest Eros,

The Right Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O'Shannassey-Mitchell

Charlie Rangel addresses ethics violation conviction

From the desk of Charlie Rangel:

Dear Fellow Congresspeople,

I am here today to tell you that I deplore the ridiculous and unconstitutional actions taken against me by the highly partisan and Republican-dominated ethics committee.  In finding me guilty of these eleven charges, this committee has violated every rule of fair justice known to man.  I find it unbelievable that this great body would sit idly by while my name is slandered in this malicious fashion, and so have chosen to take this opportunity to address the charges made against me. 

First of all, let me talk to you about that little villa in the Dominican Republic.  So I forgot to file my rental income from that little place on my tax return.  Can you really expect me to keep up with every little detail like that?  I have more important things to worry about, like writing the tax code for the IRS.  Sure, I chair the committee that wrote this law, but why do you think that means I know what's in it?  We all pass laws here every day that have mountains of stuff we don't know about.  It's like Speaker Pelosi said about our health care bill, you have to pass it to know what's in it. 

I would further like to point out that I was not even in the room when this verdict was handed down!  Now tell me, how can that be justice?  If the defendant leaves in a fit, you must acquit!  Look here, if that bunch of Republicans was willing to convict me without even saying it to my face, then how can you take this verdict seriously?  I ask you, my fellow congresspeople, have you no shame?  On top of that, I was denied my constitutional right to legal representation in this so-called hearing.  I tell you, lack of representation is as bad as segregation!  If an African-American Congressman like me is denied representation, there is no justice in this nation!  On the other hand, I do have a nice condo for rent if you need a vacation.

Now you need to understand this also, my fellow congresspeople.  If this can happen to me, then it can happen to any of you.  I have served in this fine body for forty years, I have championed all the great causes of our time, I have stood for truth, justice and freedom!  And what do I get?  Convicted for failure to report income!  I tell you this, you could all face trials for your income, and then some!  Do you hear where I'm coming from?

And tell me this, if you would please, would this happen if I were white?  No, and I can wrap that case up tight.  I forgot a few hundred thousand on my tax return, while Barney Frank over there let his lover boy run a brothel in the basement!  Have we forgotten Gingrich, and not seen how he got rich?  I look on both sides of the aisle, and see you folks have forgotten I've been here quite a while.  I know about the secrets you keep, and where your teen-age honeys sleep.  I know about the bribes you've been taking and the deals you've been making, and here you want to put it all off on me!  Well not this time, folks.  If you want to convict me you can, but at the end of the day I'll still be the man.

So you think the threat of censure will bring any pressure?  Try this one out, plenty of fine folks will shout, "no justice, no peace" when you vote against me.  I see Pelosi and the Democrat caucus have turned out to be just like the Republican circus.  It's all the same to all of them, just let the Brother go down, they won't miss him.  Well I've got news, you can try all your spin, but when it comes to D.C. mine's a pretty small sin.  I was a soldier before most of you folks were born, and from this seat I will never be torn.  I know how to fight all through the night, and when I get done you'll see I have won!

Do you really think this was settled in your little committee?  My ring is the street, and my people you'll meet!  I fought for our rights against Nixon and Reagan and Bush and even Clinton, presidents all; they're all gone and I still stand tall.  So if you think I can be pushed aside, you've mistaken the scope of this tide!  The Congressional Black Caucus knows that you need us, so open your ears up and listen to heed us.  I've stood by your side all through the years, given my heart, my soul and my tears.  You don't dare expel me, you know it is true, and if you try then this day you will rue. 

Fellow Congresspeople, that wraps it up.  I may have made a few errors on my taxes, but I know how many of you have done worse, and if I talk your career's in a hearse.  So go ahead with your vote now but just remember, the old lion always laughs last in December. 

Your fellow Congressman,

The HONORABLE Charlie Rangel

California Supreme Court says yes to in state tuition for Illegals

From the desk of Justice Ming W. Chin:

To:  All California State and Local Government Personnel:

I am issuing this statement in order to clarify the Court's position following the questions many of you have raised about our ruling upholding the right of illegal immigrants to attend California State Universities at the lower tuition rate charged to in-state students.  First of all, please be aware that any student who graduates from a California high school may benefit from the lower tuition rate in question.  Thus, if a student who is a resident of Arkansas, Minnesota, Florida, New York or Oregon, for example, attends four years of high school in California and receives a diploma from a California high school, then that student is automatically eligible for in-state tuition.   I am sure this will come as a great relief to the many high school students we have who are residents of Arkansas, Minnesota, Florida, New York, Oregon and the other states of the Union. 

Naturally, there are many results that will flow from this decision.  First of all, legal or illegal status should not be used to determine eligibility for employment in the state of California.  It would, obviously, be ridiculous to grant a student in-state tuition, then deny that same student employment with the state upon graduation.  In a time when the state of California needs all the college-trained professionals possible working in the public sector, it is imperative that we remove any impediments to the employment of qualified personnel.

Thus, the California State Government is instructed to immediately remove any obstacles allowing illegals to serve in positions such as police officers, fire fighters, school teachers, medical marijuana dispensers, and, most importantly, election officials.  Furthermore, it is the finding of this court that in the past illegal aliens have been discriminated against as a group, and as a result are to be afforded the full benefits of affirmative action in hiring decisions made for these positions.

It is also the finding of this court that a stubborn insistence on the usage of English as requirement for either education or employment is discriminatory, and therefore illegal.  Hence, all university classes must now be offered in the native tongue of the students enrolled in those classes.  Please be aware that there are NO exceptions for this rule.  If the class is made up of students with multiple language backgrounds, then the class will be presented in Spanish, as it is our Spanish-speaking population which has suffered the greatest negative effects of discrimination in this matter.  Please be aware that failure to adhere to this ruling will constitute a Grade B felony for racial discrimination, which also counts as a crime of violence when considering terms of sentence. 

It is the further finding of this court that not all illegal immigrants may benefit from this ruling.  Specifically, it is the Hispanic population of this state which has labored so long under the lash of racial discrimination, therefore it is the Hispanic population which must be afforded the greatest benefits of this ruling.  Additionally, concerning the large numbers of illegal immigrants we have received recently from Greece, Ireland and several other European countries, the ruling of this court is that illegals of European descent should receive NO benefits from this policy, and should, in point of fact, be expelled from the state post haste. 

The court will also take this opportunity to issue an injunction against the governor and state legislature of California prohibiting any rate increase in university tuition.  It is the duty of the state to provide an education, and in today's world that means a university education.  Hence the State of California is enjoined to not only refrain from increasing tuition, but is ordered to reduce university tuition by the same amount as it is to reduce green house gasses over the next two decades.  It is the firm belief of this court that so doing will actually increase state revenues as the number of university trained professionals introduced into our work force grows exponentially through the implementation of this ruling. 

I hope this clears things up for everyone.

Sincerely,

California State Supreme Court Justice Ming W. Chin

The Rev. J. Wright Addresses Lame Duck Session

Official Transcript of Remarks to Commencement of Lame Duck Session of Congress from the Reverend J. Wright:

Dear Congresspeople,

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Speaker Pelosi for inviting me to address the commencement of this session of Congress.  I realize that normally you folks would expect a Reverend like myself to lead an invocation or prayer of some such nonsense.  Instead, I am going to tell you what it is you need to get done.

The United States of Amerikkka is a damned nation.  As an official, ordained Reverend in the United Church of Christ, I am here to present my church's official doctrines and commands for a government that respects true social justice.

First of all, you need to remove the ban on homosexuals being able to openly serve in the military.  You bunch of redneck bigots have no business telling folks who they can love or how they can love 'em.  All you need is love, and love is all you need.  I am here to tell you today there is not one word in the Bible about homosexuality, and you bunch of homophobes need to get over thinking otherwise.  Even if there was something in the Bible about it, it was added later by some European with some sort of psychological complex.  Believe me, I know all about you Europeans and your psychological complexes.  And about you sorry Jews too.  Ought to do just like that reporter lady said and send you all back to Poland and what not.  Well, you better let the homosexuals in, because your chickens are what are lame now, and they're comin' home to roost!

And another thing about that.  We know that it was really you, the racist, white, homophobic, redneck government of Amerikka that introduced the AIDS virus to get rid of black folks.  Then when things didn't work out right, you wanted a scapegoat, so you just picked on the homosexuals.  Speaker Pelosi and I have talked about this at length.  We agree that it's just too big of a coincidence that AIDS appeared when that fascist Reagan was runnin' this country into the ground.  AIDS popped up at the same time a Republican fascist was in charge, and you think it's a coincidence?  No!  It's your chickens comin' home to roost!

Next up, you need to make sure President Obama makes abortion coverage mandatory under this new health care bill of his.  I would tell him that myself, but dem jews won't let me near him.  We at the United Church of Christ have been teachin' for years on the necessity of abortion, and the necessity of the government payin' for poor folks to be able to get 'em.  You better get on that right now!  If you don't, I can promise you your chickens will be comin' home to roost!

While I'm at it, let's about REAL social justice.  How many crackers do I see out there today?  Way too many, that's how many.  You are in a damned nation because you privileged, racist honkeys haven't paid back all the money you owe to me and my proud Black brothers and sisters.  That's right, I'm talkin' bout reparations!  It's way passed time for 'em.  You are a damned nation, and if you don't want to have your lame chickens comin' home to roost for you can finish your lame duck session then we African Americans need our money now!  No justice, no peace!

Now I hear that ofay Boehner and a bunch of his sheet-wearin', cross-burnin', baby-eatin', Bible-thumpin', snake-handlin', racist, homophobe, Islamophobe, misogynist, greedy, thieven' Republicans are about to take this place over next  year.  Well, I've got a message for you!  You are all damned!  You've opposed the Great Messiah Obama, my protege, even if he won't talk to me these days.  I am John the Baptist to His Jesus, and I am here to make the path straight for Him!  You have opposed His great and magnificent ministry from day one, just like your kind did when Jesus was here on Earth.  Well you ain't gonna win this time!  No sir!  You're all damned, along with your racist country!  Your chickens are comin' home to roost real soon here.  You had better repent and get on board now if you know what's good for you.

In closing, I would like to say this.  You are all damned, and so is your country.  That's in the Bible!  No need for you to look for yourselves, I'm an ordained Reverend, so just take my word for it.  Your lame duck session is gonna be a lame-chicken session soon, and they are all gonna be roostin'!

Thank you again Speaker Pelosi for invitin' me to address Congress today, and for signin' off ahead of time on my message.  I'll be lookin' for your check to my congregation in the mail just like you promised.  Elsewise you're gonna be damned too!

New TSA Rules on Scans and Searches

From the desk of Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano:

To:  TSA Airport Security Screeners

Dear TSA Security Screeners,

I realize there has been a great deal of controversy lately concerning the use of our full-body x-ray devices, as well as the accompanying manual pat-downs for individuals who choose to opt-out of the x-ray screen.  After conducting a thorough review of our procedures and thoroughly consulting with Attorney General Eric Holder, I am issuing the following guidelines and talking points for use when interacting with members of the general public who have questions or concerns about our screening procedures. 

1)   First of all, it will remain our basic procedure to randomly select passengers for x-ray screening.  If there are concerns about radiation, please be aware that this machine exposes an individual to no more than the equivalent of forty-three x-rays at the doctor's office.  Travelers expressing concern about the radiation should be advised that it is "roughly equivalent" to a doctor's x-ray, please do not advise them of the total amount of radiation as they are not on a "need to know" list for that level of specific information. 

2) Travelers who are concerned about x-ray exposure are allowed to opt out of screening, but must submit to an "enhanced pat down" search.  First of all, draw as much attention to the traveler opting out as possible in front of other travelers, preferably by loud vocalizations.  This will help to discourage other travelers from opting out of the x-ray.  Next, make the pat-down as uncomfortable as possible.  There should be a "frank" examination of the groin region, as well as the chest/breast area for female passengers.  We will soon be distributing surgical gloves for full cavity searches as well.  Remember to advise travelers that if they refuse both the x-ray and enhanced pat down they are subject to immediate arrest with a presumption of guilt for an attempted terror attack.

3)  In the event that minor children are randomly selected for the x-ray all above procedures will still apply.  Please make sure that parents are aware that they are NOT allowed to be present during "enhanced pat down" procedures conducted upon their children.  If they object make sure they are aware that the x-ray is still an option; if they continue to cause trouble they should be arrested immediately and DHS contacted to take custody of their children.

4)  To avoid concerns of profiling we need to make sure that certain groups are not subjected to this procedure.  Specifically, there has been a great deal of concern amongst our peace-loving Muslim community about the continuous backlashes they have endured in the last decade.  As a result, should an individual wearing recognizable Muslim attire be randomly selected for screening please allow them to go on through and simply screen the next person in line.  This should assuage any concerns our Muslim community has in regard to profiling, as well as relieving us of legal liability for profiling. 

5)  Per President Obama's executive order 13666, any newly-elected member of the Republican party headed to Washington, D.C., should be subjected to both x-ray screening and an "enhanced pat down."  If they refuse either procedure they should be arrested immediately as per the above guidelines.  Attorney General Eric Holder has assured me there will be no Constitutional or other legal issues in following this directive as their refusal would constitute a breach of the peace.

I hope this has cleared up any concerns or questions you have regarding our new x-ray screening and "enhanced pat down" procedures. 

Thank you for you service,

Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano

Obama's Deficit Reduction Panel Recommendations

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Citizens,

Back around the beginning of November it was brought to My attention that a bunch of you have a problem with the deficit that the Federal Government is currently running up each year.  While I realize this could be viewed as a problem, it is important to remember that this is a problem I inherited from that cowboy Bush, and which I have been endeavoring night and day to rectify.  Let Me be perfectly honest with you.  I find your obsession with deficits to be a little neurotic.  After all, if we run out of money, the Fed can always just print more.  So why worry?  But since you people out there in flyover land have gotten yourselves into such a lather about this, I have a plan to eliminate the deficit for you. 

First of all, kiss the mortgage deduction on your house goodbye.  It's not like that deduction does any real good anyway.  If the last few years have shown anything, it's that you people are not up to managing your own finances well enough to own your own homes anyway.  So I have decided to quit encouraging you to do what you shouldn't do to begin with.  I figure with all the extra dough that will roll in after that particular deduction is gone I can finance plenty more trips to exotic locations like Mumbai, as long as they have top-flight golf courses. 

Next up, no more child-tax credit deduction.  Don't you rednecks know that every time you pop out another baby you're killing the planet?  Humans are the cause of global warming, and here I am giving you a tax credit to make more of 'em.  Well, no more money for those little CO2 machines of yours.  As a bonus, the money I save this way will pay for even more third-trimester birth control under My great health care plan, which will save the planet that much faster.  It's two for one!

I have, furthermore, discovered some areas where I can make immediate spending cuts, since all you Tea-baggers out there always want less spending.  First of all, after reviewing the budget for the Department of Defense, I believe that we can dispense with expenditures for new jet fighters (after all, Al Qaeda doesn't have an air force), missile defense (Al Qaeda doesn't have ICBMs either), aircraft carriers and submarines (Al Qaeda doesn't have a navy).  Once we eliminate spending on these areas I'll have enough money left over for Michelle to take just as many of her friends as she wants on that next European jaunt.  After all, she's got all kinds of depressed friends.

Well, you asked for it and now you have it.  Timmy Geithner has done all the math on this for Me, and assures Me that this plan will balance the budget by 2015.  And if Timmy Geithner says it, then that's good enough for Me, so it better be good enough for you.  Just let Me know if there's anything else I can do for you.

Sincerely,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

MSNBC to Co-Host Debate for G.O.P. 2012 Hopefuls

From the desk of Keith Olbermann:

To:  NBC/MSNBC/Politico production staff for G.O.P. primary debate

Okay, here's the script for the debate.  It's pretty straightforward for this sort of thing; I ask the questions, each candidate gets to give an answer, and they're not supposed to yell over each other.  I'll take care of that last part personally.  Remember, the candidates have already agreed that none of them get to review the questions ahead of time.  Make sure we have all nine cameras going, get a close up on each candidates face, we can use the footage of whichever one has the most stupid expression each time.  Yeah, I know, that'll be all of them, but we have to pick one to be the Worst and Stupidest Person in the World.

Question one:  How long have you supported the death penalty for women who choose an abortion after finding out they have a tubal pregnancy following a gang-rape by white supremacists?  Do you really think it's fair to go back and apply this to women who had such an abortion before you passed the law?  And isn't it true that you were actually one of the white supremacists who attacked the poor woman?

Question two:  Are you willing to re-consider your position to repeal the 13th, 14th and 15th amendments?  After all, don't you think a majority of Americans today oppose your plan to strip women, blacks, Hispanics, Asians and Jews of their right to vote while re-imposing slavery?  Is your mother proud of what you are doing here to strip so many proud Americans of their basic rights?

Question three:  Do you still support the illegal, undeclared, genocidal wars against the peaceful religion of Islam that cowboy President Bush of yours foisted off on this unsuspecting nation?  Isn't it true that you personally killed a Muslim child and used his blood in your Matzo crackers for Passover?  Do you really think the American people are fooled by your claims to want a peaceful co-existence with Muslims?

Question four:  Do you still plan to raise taxes on the poorest Americans by four-hundred percent in order to pay for a tax cut restricted only to millionaires who have never worked a day in their lives?  Additionally, are you still standing by your proposal to cut Social Security benefits to minorities by forty percent so the rich white retirees in the Bahamas can continue to take it easy at everyone else's expense?

Question five:  Do you still plan to use your vote against the completely successful Obama health care plan as a stealth vote to repeal all funding for Medicare and Medicaid?  Don't you really think that MSNBC's poll showing that 93% of Americans approve of the President's health care plan is proof that you should quit criticizing both the plan and the man? 

Question six:  Considering that winning this primary would only ensure that you are permanently enshrined as the Worst and Stupidest Person in the World, don't you really think you're better off just giving up now?  Since our latest MSNBC poll shows that 99.5% of the American people believe President Obama is The One We've Been Waiting For and The Greatest World Leader Ever, don't you think it's presumptuous of you to run against Him anyway?

Okay, I think these ought to do for a start.  Just to let you know, we're going to be bringing Rick Sanchez back as our Hispanic guest judge for the debate, while Rachel Maddow will do a special surprise interrogation session on the homophobia of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".  Look forward to you're seeing me at the debate.

The Best Person in the World,

Keith Olbermann

Obama Says No More Settlements

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Israeli Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu

Prime Minister Netanyahu,

Look, we have a real problem here.  There is all kinds of trouble and turmoil coming out of your part of the world right now, and quite frankly I'm getting sick and tired of it.  I'm tired of hearing about Iran, and everyone wanting Me to bomb them (not gonna do it; wouldn't be prudent at this juncture); worrying about the rising price of oil (which is actually a good thing, it'll help my plan to stop global warming); and Al Qaeda.  Do you see a common thread here?  Well, I do, so let Me point it out.  It's you.  Israel. 

Look, before 1948 nobody ever had to worry about the Iranians getting a nuclear weapon, oil prices or Al Qaeda.  But then you get your precious little piece of real estate over there, which you stole from the Palestinians just like the white folks stole this country from the Native Americans.  And then you couldn't be happy with what you were given, you had to go and take more.  Now, on top of everything else, you want to build more housing units for jews in East Jerusalem.  What were you thinking?

Look, I've got the Saudis, the Iranians, the Turks, the Palestinians, the Jordanians, the Egyptians and everybody else yelling at me night and day about this.  Of course I understand.  Everybody knows if you let a bunch of jews move into a neighborhood it drives down the property values for everyone else who lives there.  Next you'll have a bunch of freaks in yarmulkes walking around a chanting all them time, at least whenever they aren't out stealing babies' blood to make Matzos for passover.  It's just crazy, and nobody wants you there.  So I'm just going to have to tell you flat out to stop building in East Jerusalem.  No more.  Got it?

Now please don't think I'm some how singling you out for this.  There are plenty of other folks I'm going to be giving the old cease and desist to as part of this notice.  Why right over here in the united states I'm going to have Attorney General Eric Holder put a stop to any more non-Hispanic whites building in East Los Angeles.  Everybody knows East L.A. is the homeland of our proud Mexican immigrant community.  Letting more white people move in there is a complete insult to them.  Those white people insist on speaking English, which is not the native language of East L.A., making all kinds of noise about immigration control, and try to foist their culture off on the native community.  So we're going to have building freezes for jews in East Jerusalem and non-Hispanic whites in East Los Angeles. 

While I'm at it, let me say a few words about Eastern Europe.  Up until the last couple of decades those people enjoyed a Socialist Paradise under the direction of benevolent Soviet leadership.  But along came that b-grade movie actor Reagan, who had to go and make a mess of everything.  Well, it's past time to set it right.  So from here on out, I will be working with President Putin to restore Eastern Europe to its rightful sphere of influence, as per My re-set agreement with the Russians.  We will be putting an end to the pernicious influence of capitalism and christianity, and restoring Eastern Europe to the socialist paradise that is its rightful destiny. 

On the same note, I will re-direct the united states' Eastern Asia policy in a similar vein.  This belligerent country I'm trying to save has spent far too much time and money on places like Taiwan and South Korea.  It's time to admit that the Koreas will be better off under one strong leader, and that Taiwan rightfully belongs to China.  In so doing I will be able to avoid costly and needless wars and bloodshed, and put an end to the disgusting pattern of this country in throwing its weight around in parts of the world where it is not welcome. 

So, in a nutshell, Prime Minister Netanyahu, you are to stop letting jews move into East Jerusalem, while I will keep the whites out of East L.A., the capitalists and christians out of East Europe, and american influence out of East Asia.  Once we have followed through on this plan we can be assured of lasting peace in our time.  After all, once we give the Muslims, Mexicans, Russians and Chinese what they want we can be assured that they will be appeased, leaving us in peace and tranquility.  I assure you that your only other choice is war, and that I will NOT support you in that.

Sincerely,

united states President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Sooner Sharia

From the bench of Vicki Miles-LaGrange, Chief U.S. District Judge for the Western District of Oklahoma:

Re: Oklahoma ballot initiative banning Sharia

I am issuing an injunction against the hateful, malicious, racist and most of all Islamaphobic ballot initiative recently passed and signed into law by the ignorant, red-neck Tea-baggers who oppose Allah (peace be upon His name), His holy prophet Muhammad (peace be upon his name as well) and our Great Leader, President for Life B. Hussein Obama (yet more peace be upon his name).  After a complete and thorough review of the case, appropriate laws, and existing precedents, I have decided that there can be no grounds in the will of Mighty Allah (peace times two upon His name) for you infidel pigs, dogs and monkeys to oppose the use of Sharia, the only true and just way, to govern yourselves in the puny state of oklahoma.  


I have seen the arguments that you unnatural sons of immoral women put forward against the use of Sharia, the only true right way, in your state courts.  Although it is beneath my intellect to explain myself to the likes of you simpering chimpanzees, I will do my best to make it clear to you why this is a just and necessary decision.  


First of all, please cease your petulant whining about the separation of church and state enshrined withing the first amendment of the u.s. constitution.  I am well aware of this separation, and of the unbreakable wall it builds between church and state.  I am fully aware that this law prevents you from praying to your false messiah in public schools, that it prevents you from posting the commandments of the lesser prophet moses on public property.  I am completely versed in the proper role of the government in prohibiting the pernicious cancers of judaism and christianity from being spread through our culture.  


While we understand that church and state are separated by the constitution, I can find no mention whatsoever in the constitution for a separation of MOSQUE and state.  Hence, while banning the bible, and any teachings derived from it, from the public sphere is both necessary and desirable, banning the Holy Koran (peace and peace and peace be upon it) is neither necessary nor desirable.  Furthermore, you must make yourselves understand that Muslims, as followers of the True Path, are a persecuted minority within this bigoted nation, and as such have a constitutional right to extra protections under the law.  This is especially true for the religious practices of the followers of the Holy Prophet Mohammad (peace times two plus infinity upon his name) as they strive to bring enlightenment to this benighted continent.  


In short, not only am I making my injunction against this ballot initiative permanent, I am also issuing a judicial order requiring the teachings of Sharia be a mandatory course for all public school students within the state of oklahoma.  It is my fervent prayer that in so doing that I can at least remove the bigotry and racism from your illegitimate children, even if I cannot reach your rebellious ears.  In time they will come to realize their need for acceptance of the Holy Prophet Mohammad (peace, peace and more pieces of peace upon his name) or to humbly submit to their proper roles as dhimmi to the true believers.  This order is to be implemented immediately, and failure to do so will result in a bench warrant for contempt of court be issued against any and all opponents.  


It pains me, a Federal Judge for Life, to have to explain myself to such infidel pigs, dogs and monkeys as you pathetic, racist, Islamophobic rednecks of oklahoma.  Suffice it to say that my intellect is beyond your grasp, my enlightenment beyond your understanding, and my power as a Federal Judge beyond your ability to resist.  You must learn to submit now, for resistance is futile.  


Sincerely,


Vicki Miles-LaGrange, Chief U.S. District Judge for the Western District of Oklahoma

President Obama Discusses Communication

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Citizens,

It has come to My attention that you did not vote in your own best interests in the elections held throughout this country last Tuesday.  While My loyal servants Pelosi and Reid were successful in retaining their seats, many of My loyal acolytes at lower levels were robbed of their seats when the Republicans apparently managed to deceive enough of you to ensure a temporary victory for themselves.  I must admit that I am terribly disappointed in your conduct in this matter, but perhaps I can use this as a teachable moment for you.  Pay close attention, as I am going to use My great communication skills to clear this matter up before you embarrass yourselves again in the future. 

First of all, you cannot begin to improve your lot in life until you learn proper communication skills.  You have regressed considerably in this past election.  Quite frankly, what we have here is a failure to communicate.  I suppose some of you who adhere to the Tea-bagger movement actually desire to see the failure of My Great New Society for the Elimination of Poverty, Racism, Islamophobia, Homophobia and Obesity.  Well, there is little I can say to convince a bunch of beer-bellied rednecks to change their ways.  There may, however, be help for the rest of you. 

The main communication skill which you need to improve is your ability to listen.  Apparently you, the american people, have difficulty in listening to what I, your Great Leader, have to say.  If you were truly listening, you would understand that I have given you your one true chance at redemption from the sin of your founding fathers.  It is I, and only I, who give you the opportunity to renounce the bigoted, racist, fundamentalist, ignorant, superstitious trash that Jefferson, Madison, Washington, etc. foisted off on this ignorant nation.  I believe this is called "interference" by those of us who are enlightened enough to have taken a university course in communication theory.  You let the petty, misguided notions of these "founding fathers" interfere with my explanation of the necessity for greater deficit spending to spur the economy, centralized control of health care for the greater good, and the need to reject the bigoted "judeo-christian" belief system that has infested this country.  Quite frankly, you must learn to put this interference aside and learn to listen.  It is clear that it is you, the great unwashed who are not listening, who are causing this communication problem. 

Not only do you not listen to me, you insist on listening to those whom you should ignore.  You tune in to the ridiculous, racist rants of Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly and their assorted ilk, and actually take that garbage seriously.  You are like spoiled little children who eat nothing but happy meals stuffed with red meat and french fries, and then cannot understand why you are so fat, bloated and unattractive.  Well, I am here to be arugula for your ears.  Get off of that red meat you see on Fox News, and tune in to the vegetables, nuts and fruits of MSNBC and CNN.  That will do a lot right there to fix your communication problem. 

It is also clear to Me that some of you simply lack the intelligence to be able to accept the superior wisdom of My grand design for your lives.  While I continuously assure you that I have the greatest concern for the welfare of you, the little people, you still seem to distrust My motives and actions.  The only way for you to solve your communication problem in this matter is to get out of denial.  That's right, you are in denial.  You deny My superior intellect, wisdom and compassion.  If you will simply learn to recognize My superior mind and morals for what they are and submit to Me, things will go much easier for you.  Quite frankly I grow weary of having to constantly remind you of how superior I am to you little people.  I suppose I could have Biden come out and explain it to you for awhile, but once he gets started even I can't shut him up. 

So what can you do to fix your communication problem?  Quite simply, shut up and do what you're told.  Recognize your betters, and act accordingly.  Remember, my followers are from the Federal Government and they are here to help.  Accept this, believe this, obey this.  This is the key to your becoming effective communicators.  The sooner you get on board with this, the smoother things will go. 

Just as a side note, I have decided I will err on the side of caution and take some small responsibility for our communication problems.  In order to rectify them, I have fired My old teleprompter and retained the services of a new model.  The new model is manufactured in China, and I have been assured it is the most up-to-date model available, far superior to my old one.  The Chinese manufacturer has assured Me that it has a built in system for handling those of you who fail to take My advice on honing your communication skills; and that this system has been tested extensively and successfully on the Falun Gong.  I look forward to seeing many of you at My next speaking engagement.

Sincerely,

President for Life B. Hussein Obama

Keith Olbermann's Job Application

From the desk of Keith Olbermann:

To: Rupert Murdoch

Re:  Employment Wanted

Dear Mr. Murdoch,

As I am sure you are aware, I was fired by the back-stabbing weasels at MSNBC the other day.  Phil Griffin, who is the worst person in the world and a secret tea-bagger, has denied me my first amendment rights to support the candidate of my choice.  After being betrayed in this manner, I recalled your recent hiring of the racist Uncle Tom Juan Williams after his being fired by NPR.  NPR was, quite frankly, justified in firing Juan since he made his Islamophobia known in his on-air comments, not for anything he did in his undoubtedly execrable private life.  Since you have provided that pathetic bigot, who is the worst person in the world, with a sizable contract, I believe it stands to reason that you should offer an even bigger contract to me, as I have never been disciplined for any on-air comments; rather I was fired for supporting the non-bigot, non-homophobe, non-racist, non-misogynist candidates in various races, which is my perfect Constitutional right.

Mr. Murdoch, you claim to be fair and balanced.  Well, here's your chance to prove it.  You give airtime and perfectly good money to that racist, bigoted, puppy-beating maniac Bill O'Reilly, who is without a doubt the worst person in the world.  You give a perfectly good time slot to that nut job alcoholic Glen Beck, who's a freaking Mormon for crying out loud.  You know he's probably got twenty-six wives, right?  Besides that he's the worst person in the world.  And then that ignoramus Hannity takes up airtime in prime time.  I mean seriously?  He's a freaking ex-construction worker, not an ivy-league trained broadcaster like me.  He probably beats his wife and kids and has four or five girlfriends on the side, besides which he's a well known racist, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynist, tea-bagging freak who is the absolute worst person in the world.  And you put him in prime time!

Listen, Rupert, if you're going to claim to be fair and balanced then you HAVE to give me a contract.  Look at this lineup of KKK nut jobs and Uncle Toms you have right now.  Where's the balance?  Who do you have right now who will call those tea-bagging traitors who oppose our Great President out for the racists they really are?  Who do you have who will call Rush Limbaugh, that fat, drug-addicted, racist, woman-hating, America-hating douchebag out for what he really is, the worst person in the world?  Who do you have there with the guts to punch that frigid stick-figure Ann Coulter right in her filthy mouth if she shows up at the studio?  Who do you have who's willing to throw a vial of acid right in Greg Guttman's filthy, fat face so he can figure out what red eyes are really all about?  Nobody, that's who, so how can you call yourself fair and balanced?

Let's face it, if you don't hire me then you can't call yourself fair and balanced anymore.  All you can call yourself is a racist, homophobe, Islamophobe, baby-eating freak.  I'll sue you if you don't hire me and keep saying you're fair and balanced.  I'll tell everyone that you're the worst person in the world, and they'll listen to me.  They'll always listen to me.  Everyone always listens to me.  I'll MAKE them listen to me.  I'll MAKE you listen to me you sexist, imperialist, war-monger dog.  HIRE ME NOW OR ELSE!!!!!!!!

I look forward to meeting with you soon to discuss terms of my contract and taking over Hannity's time slot.

Sincerely,

Keith Olbermann, the Best Person in the World

Hebert Hoover Helps Hapless Obama

From the desk of former President Herbert Hoover:

To:  Current U.S. President B. Hussein Obama

Dear President Obama,

I have observed your trials and tribulations over your first two years in office, and I must say it pains me to see you in such dire straits.  I, too, suffered horribly while sacrificing on behalf of my country by serving as President.  Perhaps my insights may be of use to you in your service as President.  After all, if anybody knows about dealing with an economic downturn and unemployment, it would be me.

First of all, remember your first principles.  I am pleased to see that you, like me, are an adherent of the efficiency movement.  You realize, just as I did, that ordinary people are not capable of ordering the affairs of their day to day lives, and must be directed in how to do so by well-educated experts of superior intelligence.  I am glad to see that you have applied this principle to the matter of health care.  I believe that if you stay the course and refuse to allow Congress to repeal or de-fund your plan, you can do for health care what I was able to do for so many other aspects of American life.  It is important to remember that patients and doctors need guidance from a firm and wise hand in Washington in order to assure that valuable resources are not squandered in inefficient practices.  Please keep up the good work in this area.

I am likewise pleased to see your strong emphasis on volunteerism.  I, too, was a strong proponent of having people serve as volunteers.  After all, if they're not employed, they may as well have something worthwhile to do with their time.  I believe that you should follow the advice of Congressman Charlie Rangle and institute mandatory national service.  This should get a lot of those complaining young people off the streets and give them something to do besides complain about a lack of jobs.  I believe it could boost your prospects exponentially.

Speaking of jobs, I understand that you are having a hard time getting enough manufacturing jobs in place.  Well, I know just the thing.  In 1930 I signed the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act into law, with amazing results.  I think you should try the same thing today.  After all, if people can buy goods made overseas too cheaply, it will destroy your infrastructure.  Thus, I recommend as many punitive tariffs as you can put into place as quickly as possible.  As an added bonus, this will greatly increase your popularity with the unions.

Another policy of yours I find appealing is your plan to roll back the Bush tax cuts on high-end wage earners.  Why, I used that same tactic myself in 1932, when I also raised the estate tax (what the rubes call a "death tax") and corporate income taxes as well.  I must say, that went smashingly!  The results were simply astounding.  Of course, I know you'll get criticism for this.  Why, I was so adamant in my position that even FDR accused me of taxing and spending too much!  But, as you know, I believe history has shown I was right.

Additionally, I helped balance the budget by making massive cuts in defense spending, especially the navy.  I assure you, you have many times more ships than you really need already.  Take it from me, you can always cut defense spending without having to worry about any untoward consequences.  People will vote you out if you cut their handouts, no one will vote you out if you mothball the fleet.  And as you and I both know, there's no worse fate than being voted out of office.

I also implemented an earlier version of your stimulus bill, the Emergency Relief and Construction Act, which pumped massive amounts of federal spending into building programs.  Then, just as now, the program was a complete success.  Really, I get annoyed with the way people criticize the two of us.  I suppose you can only expect so much out of lesser minds.

Really, now that I think about it, you are already following my program right down the line.  I can't think of a single area where we have any significant disagreement.  So I suppose I must simply give you a hearty congratulations on your superior intellect and urge you to stay the course.  I know you will have your detractors, but let's face it, history will be the final judge.  I know that's worked out fine for me, and I'm sure it will for you as well.

Your Admiring Friend,

Former President Herbert Hoover

Michael Steele on Governance

From the desk of Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele:

Dear Fellow Republicans,

Well, we've really gone and done it now.  I believe I told you that we are not ready to govern.  I really don't know how I could have made that any more clear.  I announced it on national television, for crying out loud.  So what did you do?  You had to go and take back control of the House of Representatives. 

I believe I remember stating very clearly there was no way that was going to happen this time around.  Are you people just entirely incapable of taking a hint?  I mean seriously, if I tell you we can't do something, you're not supposed to do it.  After all, am I the leader of this party or what?  I guess you've all been listening to that blowhard Limbaugh again.  Look, turn him off already, will you?  You know he only gets us into trouble when we listen to him.

So here we are, in charge of the House, which means we're in charge of the budget.  Great.  Do you realize what this means?  We'll actually have to follow through with spending cuts, or everybody will figure us for a bunch of blowhards who can't back up our platform.  Do we really want to be in this position?  I mean think about it.  If we cut the budget, Obama will just veto our cuts and everybody we'll say we're mean to children.  I'm sick of that.  I want people to like us for a change.  How are we ever going to get people to like us if all we do is take away programs for children? 

Here's my advice.  For the next two years we're stuck with Obama as President.  I know we don't like it, but that's how it is.  So we need to learn to get along with him.  After all, he is the President.  We need to try to get people to like us as much as they like him.  Then in 2012 maybe they'll vote for us!  All we need is a candidate who is clean, articulate, moderate and won't scare away the independent votes.  Anybody know anyone like that around here?  Sure you do.

So what we really need to do is just avoid rocking the boat for a couple of years.  Don't start any fights now, we can't win.  Believe me, I know when we can and cannot win, and right now we don't have a prayer.  So no fighting with Obama, okay?  Everybody will get mad at us and not like us if we pick fights with him.  Just save it for two years until we can put up a nice, good-looking, non-threatening Presidential candidate.  I know some of you want to wade into this whole budget and health care thing right away, but believe me, we aren't ready for that kind of responsibility.  Don't be fooled by the fact that we won the election.  People make bad choices sometimes.  Whatever we do, we shouldn't encourage them.

Well, I guess that about wraps it up for now.  Keep your heads down and don't rock the boat, and we should be just fine.

Sincerely,

Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele

Nancy's Letter

From the desk of Nancy Pelosi:

My Dear Fellow Democratic Congresspeople,

While I realize our ranks are slightly diminished, I believe it is important that we not make too much of the little setback we just experienced.  Yes, I know that many of our good friends will not be back with us for the upcoming Congress, but we must learn to make the best of a bad situation.  Whatever else happens, it's most important that we stick together.

Now I hear that some of you have been promising not to vote for me for Speaker of the House.  Well, I think I can let that one slide this time, since we all know that none of us are going to be Speaker anyway, so I forgive you.  I know it's only natural to be a little bitter over having to give up control over some of these committees, but really, it's only temporary.  That's the important thing to remember.  After all, if great leaders gave up every time they had a setback, they wouldn't be great leaders, now would they?

Think of the great V. I. Lenin.  Why, he had to go into exile in a whole different nation, yet he eventually managed to get back into Russia and move the progressive cause forward.  If he could be so brave and stalwart, why can't we?  And if the Bolsheviks could keep Lenin as their leader even after his exile, why can't you keep me?  After all, none of us have been kicked out of the country or anything like that.

Think of Chairman Mao, and his exile after being defeated in 1927?  Did he give up?  Absolutely not!  He came back stronger than ever.  And do you know why?  Because he was willing to do whatever it took to get back to power, that's why.  How many of you wafflers and blue dogs out there right now can say that about yourselves?  Are you willing to go to the same lengths the great progressive heroes Lenin and Mao were to get back to power?  If not, then you had better get out of my way, because I know I'm willing to do WHATEVER it takes.  So get on the bandwagon now, why you still have the chance.

I can tell you right now we'll be back in two years.  There will be no stopping me in 2012.  Obama is going to storm back just like Clinton did in '96.  We lost a ton of seats in 1946, we got even more back in 1948.  Trust me, I've been around long enough to know what the Republicans will do.  They'll find some boring, gray suit like Bob Dole to put up against Obama.  Good grief, knowing the Republicans they might REALLY put Dole up again; it would be just the sort of thing they're apt to do.  You never know with that bunch.

At any rate, Obama will storm back in 2012, and he'll carry us back into the majority on his coattails.  We just have to stick together.  We have to remember we're a team.  No, we're really more like a family.  A big, happy family.  And big sister is watching you.  She's making a list and checking it twice, if you know what I mean. So let's cut this talk about not voting for me for speaker, or my retirement, or that funny little thing you put together where I was hung in effigy, beheaded, burned and had my ashes scattered to the four winds.  Okay, I can take a joke, but don't you think that was just a little over the top?

So here's what we'll do.  We'll let bygones be bygones and look to the future.  I can see 2012 from here, and it's beautiful.  The Republicans will screw up.  They always do.  It's in their DNA.  So just remember to vote for me as our party leader, and I'll keep marching us forward to victory.

Sincerely,

Once and Future Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi

Advice to Obama from The Greatest Ex-President

From the desk of Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter:

Dear President Obama,

Well, this is a fine mess those Republicans cooked up for you the other night, now isn't it?  Look, don't worry.  You can beat this thing.  You just have to know what to do and how to do it.  You need advice from somebody who's been there.  You need the Greatest Ex-President on your team, and I'm here to help.

You know what the problem with this country really is?  I'll give you a hint:  It's not you.  You have done all the right things.  I know you know it in your heart.  This recession is Bush's fault.  Make sure you don't forget it, and make sure nobody else forgets it.  They'll want to hang it around your neck.  Well don't let 'em do it.  You've done more than anyone could ask or expect.  So what if inflation starts to get a little high?  Believe me, I know all about high inflation rates.  It's not that big of a deal.  People learn to adjust. 

This whole thing about unemployment?  Hey, no big deal.  It'll come around sooner or later.  Just keep pumping the money into the federal spending programs, and sooner or later the jobs are bound to come down the pike.  Look, I've been there, I know what I'm talking about.  If you let the Republicans get all over you about spending you'll never get anything done.  Just ignore them and do what needs to be done to save the country. 

Look, I know all about problems in the Middle East too.  Problems with Iran?  No big deal.  If worse comes to worse you can send a couple of commando squads in to sort things out.  Those guys are so good you don't even have to worry about having back up for them or an exit strategy.  Just send 'em in and watch the fireworks.  Israel?  Look, everybody is sick of them, not just you.  Freeze 'em out.  It's not like they've got anybody else to go to anyway.  Look, I've been here, I've seen this.  Take it from me, Iran is no big deal.  Don't worry about it. 

The Russians are headed back to Afghanistan?  No kidding?  Hey, guess what, I've handled that too!  Just shut off any wheat sales to them and skip the Olympics.  Believe me, it'll be problem solved in no time.  There is no need to stress about any of this, you have it totally under control. 

Seriously, inflation, unemployment, budget deficits, Iran, Russia, Afghanistan, none of these are a real problem.  I've handled all of these just fine in the past.  Basically you can ignore them and they'll take care of themselves.  Just whatever you do, don't let the Republican try to make you responsible for any of it.  That's all they ever want to do, make some Democratic President they don't like responsible for other people's problems.  My advice?  Just ignore them and they'll go away.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here. 

Really, there are only two problems you need to worry about.  The first one is malaise.  This country is suffering from a terrible case of malaise right now.  What can you do about it?  Make the people see that their pain is their own fault.  Make them understand that their malaise comes from having too high of expectations for what their lives ought to be.  Make them realize that if they can just learn to lower their expectations for themselves, their children, their grand-children and their nation then with acceptance comes peace.  Make them accept lowered expectations for themselves and this country and the malaise will vanish in no time.  Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. 

The second problem?  Killer rabbits.  They're out there.  Lurking.  Waiting.  Nobody can stop 'em.  Not the Secret Service, FBI, CIA, NSA or any of 'em.  They just don't understand.  They don't even really seem to believe.  Killer rabbits are out there, and they're looking for fine Democratic Presidents like you and me.  Watch out for 'em.  Big, vicious, swamp-rabbits with beady red eyes and giant, gnashing teeth.  I keep seeing 'em coming for me.  Sometimes the pills help me make it through the night.  Sometimes they don't. 

At any rate, look on the bright side.  At least you don't have a freak of a brother running around embarrassing you with his very own brand of "Buddy Beer".  Nothing like a freak brother to really give you ulcers.  Although didn't I hear something about some guy in Kenya marrying a teenage girl?  Oh well, can't win 'em all.  Just do your best, accept fate and watch out for malaise and killer rabbits.  The rest will take care of itself.

Your Friend and Supporter,

Greatest Ex-President Ever Jimmy Carter

Eric Holder suggests Fairness

Dear Mr. President,

I fear that Your Great Agenda has suffered a grievous setback. I regret that has been the case, and assure You that I did all within my power to avert this catastrophe. Why, I had my minions from the New Black Panther Party on the case again in Philly, and actually inside the precincts down in Texas, but this rebellious people still chose to ignore the True Path of Your Glorious Wisdom.

I believe we both know the problem here. The minds of the proletariat of this nation are constantly poisoned by the drivel which emanates from the fascist, racist, islamophobic, homophobic, misogynist, baby-eating, right-wing talk radio. The enemies of Your Great Wisdom constantly attack and harry you from their perches atop the EIB network like harpies swooping down upon hapless lambs. This must come to an end.

I have two words for you: Fairness Doctrine. We do not need the Congress in order to implement it. Simply give an executive order to the FCC and it will be done. Congress may howl, but we have precedent on our side. It has been done before, it may be done again. I strongly believe the courts will uphold you decision. And even if they do not, so what? After all, who controls enforcement of the laws in this pathetic country?

Once You give the order, I can re-implement the fairness doctrine. Those nay-sayers who blaspheme against you will be out of business faster than a burrito stand full of cockroaches. No more Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity or Ingraham. We'll sweep them and their ilk aside in no time. I might add that there's no reason this couldn't apply to television stations, even cable ones, as well. After all, who really needs Fox News.

Let's face it, what they have done to You is unfair. The Fairness Doctrine can help us overcome the right wing enemies of Yours once and for all. I simply await your orders.

Your humble servant,

Attorney General Eric Holder

Governor Moonbeam Plans Solar Renaissance

From the desk of Governor Moonbeam:

Dear Citizens of California,

As you are aware, we are suffering a serious crisis in both our budget and our energy supply.  Fortunately, after serious deliberation, I have devised a plan which will solve both of these problems.

In order to solve our energy crisis, my advisers have determined that we will need to install 21,150,000 square miles of solar panels.  Obviously it will be difficult to find enough room for these panels, but fear not, I have a plan for that as well. My advisers have assured me that it will be possible to fire solar panels into a low gyosyncronous orbit directly above the state of California, from which position they will employ the energy projection theories of Nikolas Tesla to beam electricity directly to our homes and businesses.  I have been assured that this plan is fool proof and environmentally friendly.  Not only that, but if we can place these millions of miles of solar panels directly over the desert they will provide some handy shade in the summertime heat!

There is, of course, the problem of financing the space vehicles which will carry these solar panels into orbit.  Fortunately, I have a plan for that as well.  We will simply refuse to appeal the decision overturning our ridiculous ban on gay marriage.  Once gay marriage is fully legal here in California, we can charge $1,000.00 per marriage license to out of state couples.  This will bring in tremendous revenue, not to mention a boom for the tourist industry as those couples choose to honeymoon here as well.  Nothing can go wrong!

Once our fleet of solar panels is in orbit, my advisers and I estimate that we will actually have MORE power than we need to sustain our lifestyle.  As a result, we will be able to sell our excess electrical power to neighboring states, generating even more revenue for our great state programs.  Since we will soon be generating excess power, I have authorized my people in the state government to go ahead and start shutting down our existing power plants.  Don't worry, any brown outs will only be temporary until our space panel fleet is in place.

There is also the question of manpower necessary in order to put together the solar panels and rocket ships.  For reasons I have not yet been able to figure out, many of our top engineering workers have chosen to move to other states.  That's really no problem, however, as I have a back-up workforce available.  Currently we incarcerate far too many unfortunate souls in this great state who have simply never had a real opportunity.  I have authorized the Department of Education to begin providing training courses in engineering to our prison inmates.  Soon these former thieves, rapists and murderers will be transformed into a brilliant, top-notch team of engineers leading us into the future!  Finally, they will be given the educational and economic opportunities previously denied to them, as a result of which they will give up their lives of crime and enter civil society as productive citizens.  It will be a beautiful thing!

So there you have it.  Unlike my last stab at being governor, I actually have a plan this time around.  And as you can see, it's a plan guaranteed to carry us into a true Golden State Future!  I look forward to meeting you in person soon.

Sincerely,

Governor Jerry Moonbeam Brown

The Revenge of Aqua Buddha

From the Realm of Blue Nirvana:

I, Aqua Buddha, have come forth from Nirvana for the purpose of chastising you who do not follow the right paths, and who thus receive the recompense of bad karma upon yourselves for your degenerate conduct.  Specifically, I speak to Jack Conway and his ilk, who have used me as a weapon of partisan slander in the strange Senate race going on in Kentucky.

While it is true that suffering is a normal part of your mortal existence, I find that Jack Conway and his fellow adherents to the strange philosophy of the Democratic party suffer from a perverse desire to heap up far more suffering than is necessary for enlightenment.  Furthermore, rather than endure this suffering themselves, which is the true path to wisdom, they inflict it upon others, even their own followers, which is a strange and unnecessary thing. 

First of all, this Jack Conway person must accept Antiya, the truth that all things must come to an end.  This is especially true of his current political career.  I suggest that he consult with the crone of the West, Nancy Pelosi in this matter, as she will have much to share with him.  Only when these foolish Democrats can accept the end of their base careers in political machination can they come to enlightenment and find peace.

I would suggest to Jack Conway that the Antiya of his political career was brought about more quickly by his rejection of the Noble Eightfold Path.  Specifically, he has failed to have right understanding, and seeks happiness through the pain of others.  He has failed to have right thought, being selfish and deceitful even to himself in his own mind.  He has foregone right speech, choosing instead to slander and defame those whom he wrongfully perceived as his enemies.  He has not chosen right action, instead doing that which he knows to be harmful to others.  He has no right livelihood, existing instead only as a parasite upon the labor of others.  He has no right effort, for all of his efforts are attuned to destructive ends.  He has no right mindfulness, for he lacks the reflective focus to see his own evil.  Finally, he has no right concentration, for he diffuses his energy in worthless pursuits.

So, as you can see, Jack Conway has chosen the path of darkness.  No doubt in the next life he will be re-incarnated as nothing more than a dung beetle, and only that if he is lucky.  He has chosen wrongly and is thus denied both Nirvana and a seat in the U.S. Senate.

Thus Speaks Aqua Buddha

A Deal for New Congressmen (and women)

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law:

Dear Freshman Class,

My oh my, but this has been an interesting election.  I suppose you might say that I've been dealt a few lemons this time around, but you know what they say, so here's my chance to make some lemonade.  Now, I know many of you have arrived here in D.C. with a somewhat jaundiced view of my fine old firm.  Let me assure you, there is no need for such a gimlet eye.  You are all winners, and as we all know, everyone loves a winner.  So might I suggest that you take a little time to savor your victory, and then remember that old proverb that to the victor go the spoils.  I would like to suggest to you that truer words have never been spoken.  So why don't we take a few moments to discuss those spoils?

Now, first of all, let me assure you that although you have won your seat fair and square, there will be no shortage of people trying to take it away from you.  Unfortunately that has always been the way of your poor, misguided race.  What someone else has, someone else wants.  Consider, furthermore, all the good and noble deeds you have come here to perform.  If you lose your seat to some unscrupulous, conniving rival all your work and sacrifice will have gone for naught.  Is that what you really want?  What you need is someone who knows the ropes in this city, someone who knows the players and the games, someone who knows how to get things done.  You need someone like me.

I assure you, my services will come with no strings attached.  There is no need to worry about any sort of contractual obligation.  Quite frankly, your money and power hold little appeal to me.  Oh, I can see how such baubles might charm for a while, but I look for something far more valuable.  At any rate, I would like to take this opportunity to offer my services as a consultant.  You may, of course, feel free to disregard my advice whenever you see fit.  That is always an option, although one that few who are wise in the ways of this great city choose to exercise.  I can direct you on the path to lasting power, not a mere two-year stint and then a plane ticket home in disgrace.  I can show you how to be a long-term success in this town.

I realize you may be a little suspicious of such an offer from my firm.  Let me assure you that you have nothing to fear from us.  I want only what is best for you and your great nation.  All that I ask in return is that you listen to my advice.  As stated earlier, you are free to ignore it.  But I assure you, that I have learned from long practice, the more you listen the more you will follow my advice.  Why?  Because I can make you into what you really want to be:  A true master of the levers of power.

After all, isn't that why you really came here?  Oh, many of you make pretentious claims about "public service".  Well of course that generates votes back home, but those of us here in D.C. know better, now don't we?  Face it, you are smarter and wiser than your countrymen back home.  If not, why would you be here?  It's time to show just how wise you truly are by accepting this humble, pro-bono offering on the part of my firm.  I assure you, you will incur no debt or obligation, so what harm could it possibly do?

So, let me offer you a little free advice right now that will make your transition to this city ever so much more pleasant, and increase your time in office:

First of all, many of you ran as "pro-life" candidates.  Certainly I can appreciate the need to run on such a platform.  After all, I know you have to impress the so-called "value voters" back home.  I assure you, running as a "pro-life" candidate in no way disqualifies you from working with our fine firm.  Why, such senate stalwarts as Ben Nelson and Harry Reid have run as "pro-life" candidates, along with that remarkable congressman Bart Stupak.  Just remember, just because you have to run on a certain platform back home doesn't obligate you to any course of action here in D.C.  And let's face it, if it was your daughter who had a little "accident", would you want to punish her with a baby?  Of course not.  Let's face it, there are too many unwanted children out there already sucking up the resources of this wonderful world.  So let's not be too melodramatic about the whole thing.

Look, you don't have to commit to anything on this whole business anyway.  I have found that the surest way to discover the truth is to take the middle position between two extremes.  Okay, you don't have to support partial birth abortions (the court will take that out of your hands anyway).  Just accept some reasonable instances when it's an unfortunate necessity.  Just admit that it's sometimes for the best.  Just advise your constituents that while your personally against it, you cannot legislate morality.  Believe me, they'll understand and appreciate it.  You will grow in office, and they will happily vote for you again and again.

Furthermore, what is all this worrying you carry on about over the deficit.  So what if your country is carrying a load of debt.  After all, so is everyone else.  Sure, your constituents tell you they want you to balance the budget, but what do they really want to give up themselves?  Not much, that's what.  If you do cut spending programs that they love, what will they do?  Vote for the other guy who's angling for your job, that's what.  Do you really want to stick around up here?  Then forget about cutting spending.  You'll be voted out in a heartbeat.  I strongly suggest that you consider increasing the revenue stream instead.  Yes, they'll moan and complain a little about higher taxes, but when they see all the wonderful programs they get for their money, your people will be pleased as punch!  There will be a few holdouts, of course, but don't worry.  My firm projects that they will soon be a permanent minority, with the permanent majority beholden to you for bread and circuses.  And when they're beholden to you then they have no choice but to vote for you, which means you can stay in this city just as long as you need to in order to complete your good works.

There are many other areas where you will, of course, need expert guidance in the ways of this city.  You need a consulting firm with the experience and expertise that only I can provide.  And please, let me stress once again, there are no strings attached.  I have only your best interests at heart.

Please be advised, should you decline the offer of my continuing consulting services, I will of course be forced to extend it to someone else.  Perhaps even to that unscrupulous fellow we all know is lurking in the woodwork, salivating at the opportunity to take away the seat you have only just won.  Do you want him to win it from you in two short years?  Of course not.  So please, accept my offer early before I am forced to render my services available to your opposition instead.  I can only hold this offer open for a few short hours.  I look forward to our being able to work together.

Your true friend,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law