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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Chinese President weighs in on "Foreign Money"

From the desk of Chinese President Hu Jintao:

Dear President Obama,

I grow weary of listening to your complaints. First, you take out twelve trillion American dollars in loans, then you come back crying like some poor school girl because you can't make the payments on time. I do not need to hear excuses. I need my money.

What is this business about 376 per cent interest being a "loan shark"? What is a "loan shark", anyway? Some of my advisers tell me this is one of your barbarian "Chicago terms". Look, you agreed to the interest rate when you borrowed the money, okay? If you didn't like it then you should have said so. But noooooo, you insisted you needed it right then for "health care", "TARP" and "stimulus". Like I care what you needed it for. I told you that it was too much, but you insisted, so I made the loan. After all, you are President of the United States.

Now you come back whining about being broke. I do NOT want to hear it. You are President of the United States, for crying out loud! Take it! What do you have an IRS for? You promised me my money. Do you know what happens to people who don't give me my money? Do you want to find out? I got two words for you buddy: Tianamen Square. Think about that before you tell me you can't make the payments.

Look, you got all you need, you just have to take it, okay? The people in your country are under-taxed, that's your problem. Get out there and shake 'em down! You'll be able to make the payments in no time. There's no need for this to be rough for you. After all, you borrowed the money for them anyway, right?

So have my payment to me by Saturday afternoon. Otherwise I'm going to have to send a couple of the boys around. Hate to do it, you know, but business is business. So get out there and hustle up my dough.

Your Friend,

President of China Hu Jintao

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