President Obama explains his religion to the Tea Party

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Tea-bagger party people,

Although you, the great unwashed, are unworthy, I will explain to you that I, President B. Hussein Obama, am neither sophomoric nor subjective in my embrace of the precepts of Jesus of Nazareth.
After a quick perusal of the New Testament (which I must admit I read over the objections of my good friend and mentor, Rev. J. Wright) I realized that the precepts of Jesus were Directly Applicable to Me. Allow me to enlighten your feeble mind to whatever degree possible.

First, Jesus said he was "the way, the truth and the light", which was doubtlessly to some extent true for his generation. Just so, I, B. Hussein Obama, am The Way, The Truth, and The Light for this generation, and for all to follow once I implement my full agenda. Truly no one will come to the great father of us all, cradle to grave sustenance from a caring federal government, except through ME.

Jesus also had to suffer persecution. If only he had known how much more I would have to endure in THIS generation. Sure, he had folks mock him some, but I have to deal with the Great Satan, FOX NEWS, and truly their demons are legion (Beck, Hannity, O'Reilly; or the Three Fools as I like to call them) and they persecute Me without cause or care. And how could those pathetic scribes and Pharisees compare to the rabble-filled hordes of Tea-baggers that hound me and my faithful disciples all across this nation? Truly, I am persecuted even more than Jesus, and thus am shown to be More Worthy. As to that business about a cross, my good friend Rev. J. Wright assures me that part is purely apocryphal and has no real bearing on the meaning of the New Testament.

Jesus was also a healer in his day. Well, he healed a few, and seemed kind of hit and miss to tell the truth. I, B. Hussein Obama, will exceed him in this regard once my marvelous health care system is in place. Jesus may have been the great physician, I will be The Greatest Physician, and all will love and worship me when the see my benevolence.

Of course, many of you less-enlightened "Christians" persist in the medieval superstition about Jesus being raised from the dead, which is not only utter nonsense, but, I have been assured by my good friend and spiritual guide Rev. J. Wright, really has nothing to do with the main message of the gospels. Well, I will show you a real miracle, a sign if you must have it, for even though Rasmussen, Gallup and their ilk have blasphemed My Great Name in publishing poor poll numbers of alleged individuals claiming to disapprove of my performance, soon this will reverse. My poll numbers will rise from the grave just before election day, the people's love for me will be universal, and my disciples shall be vindicated at the ballot box. Just wait and see.

Now tea-bagger, I give you one final admonition. You have spoken evil of The True Messiah of this age. Thus you must repent. DOWN ON YOUR KNEES FOR ME! YOU AND ALL YOUR PITIFUL TEA-BAGGER FRIENDS WILL BOW BEFORE ME! PRAY THAT I WILL BE MERCIFUL TO THE IMPERTINENCE YOU HAVE SHOWN AGAINST MY MOST HOLY NAME!

Meantime, have a nice day.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama