Expansion of Federal Preventative Health Care Initiative

From the Desk of Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius:

Dear Citizen,

In keeping with first lady Michelle Obama's welfare of children initiative, the following changes will take place in your dietary practices, effective immediately.  Please note that the Supreme Court's Virginia v. DHHS decision authorized this office to require any and all purchases necessary to protect the health, safety and welfare of the common good.  Additionally, please note that since this is a proactive requirement for all citizens your place of residence is subject to search from agents of this office at any time to insure compliance with these directives.  Likewise, please note that failure to comply with these directives incurs a liability of five years in federal prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Additionally, please remember that failure in the part of adult parents or guardians of minor children to comply with these directives creates a de facto judgment of child abuse, with all attending penalties, including the removal of minor children from the custody of such guardians or parents.

1.  You are required to purchase a minimum of five servings per day of fresh fruits and vegetables for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Receipts proving the purchase of said fruits and vegetables are to be provided upon demand for audit by the Internal Revenue Service agents empowered by this office for that purpose.  Proper maintenance of such receipts is the sole obligation and responsibility of the citizen residents of your household or domicile.  Please be aware that although this office initially provided written warnings for first offense failures, that policy proved inconvenient for our agents and has since been discontinued. 

2.  You are required to purchase a minimum of two servings per day of dairy products (preferably low fat or skim) for each citizen residing within your household or domicile.  Enforcement and penalty are the same as for the provision(s) above.

3.  You are required to purchase a minimum of four servings per day of whole-grain bread or pasta products, as per guidelines above.

4.  All citizens are now to report once per week to their local health office and submit urine, hair and blood samples to screen for the ingestion of nicotine.  Any failure to do so constitutes a failure to purchase health care services, as noted above.  First offense for a positive test is up to three years in prison and a $10,000.00 fine.  Please bear in mind our zero-tolerance policy in this (and all other) matters.

5.  All citizens are now to report once per month to their local health office to submit to a body mass index screening for obesity.  Compliance regulations are the same as for section four, above.  Citizens found to be obese will be receive a scarlet "F" (for fatty) tattoo upon their forehead and have their monthly condom allowance halved. 

Please remember, this is for your own health and well-being.  We're from the federal government, and we're here to help.

Sincerely,

DHHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius