From the desk of Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine:
Dear Candidates,
I have been hearing from you quite a bit here lately concerning the upcoming election and your legitimate concerns about your job prospects. I understand that many of you are especially worried as you have no marketable job skills outside the District of Columbia. Allow me to be the first to say that I feel your pain. We here at the DNC have conducted extensive polling the last few weeks, and have come up with a few suggestions which may help many of you to retain your seats (and careers) in these trying times. Please review these suggestions, and be aware that even as I prepare this memo the DNC is cutting television, television, and internet ads and preparing mailers and fliers using this material. Our polling research suggests that if you use this material immediately you may improve your generic numbers among likely voter models by up to twenty-percent. I realize this will still be insufficient for some of you (sorry Blanche Lincoln) but we are doing the best we can. Here is our recommended material and approach:
Dear Constituents,
I (insert candidate name here) want you to be aware that I share your concerns over the growing crisis of federal debt, out-of-control bailouts for corporate cronies, the de-funding of Medicare and the loss of freedom we see in Obamacare. I want you to know that although I am a Democrat and at one time supported President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid, I have seen the error of my ways. I now realize that it is of paramount importance that we change the direction of this country immediately. That being said, I (insert candidate name here) am prepared to take the following steps:
1) (For House Candidates) I promise to vote against Nancy Pelosi for Speaker of the House. I promise to never speak to her again for any reason whatsoever. I promise to throw water on her to see if she really will melt, like in that cool YouTube ad. I promise to have my staffers beat up her staffers on a regular basis. I promise to vote to revoke Nancy Pelosi's citizenship. Furthermore, I promise that if re-elected, I will immediately switch my party affiliation to Republican, vote to extend the Bush tax cuts, and repeal Obamacare. I will join the Tea Party movement and never again call it a bad name. I will do whatever you want if you re-elect me. I have seen the error of my ways and recant all my sins. I was deceived by the temptress Pelosi and the serpent Obama. If you will re-elect me I will work with all my might to cast them down into perdition. My name is (insert candidate name here) and I approve this message.
2) (For Senate Candidates) I promise to vote against Harry Reid for Senate Majority Leader. I promise that on the off-chance he is re-elected I will beat him with a rolled up newspaper while screaming "bad dog" any time I see him shuffling down the halls of the Senate. I promise to vote to bury Harry Reid under Yucca Mountain. Furthermore, I promise that if re-elected, I will immediately switch my party affiliation to Republican, vote to extend the Bush tax cuts, and repeal Obamacare. I will join the Tea Party movement and never again call it a bad name. I will do whatever you want if you re-elect me. I have seen the error of my ways and recant all my sins. I was deceived by the temptress Hilary Clinton and the serpent Obama. If you will re-elect me I will work with all my might to cast them down into perdition. My name is (insert candidate name here) and I approve this message.
3) (For All Candidates) We want you, the People of America to know that we, the denizens of Congress and the Senate, were every bit as deceived by B. Hussein Obama as you were. We promise not to hold it against you if you won't hold it against us. We promise to vote to impeach Obama, Pelosi and Reid. We will never make this mistake again. Take us back and we will really, truly, represent you and uphold the Constitution this time. We were wrong and we admit it. Please give us a second chance. After all, doesn't every one really deserve a second chance?
Okay, once your voters bite on this message, most of you should be able to get yourselves re-elected. I have checked with our attorneys, and they assure you that any and all promises made while campaigning for public office are non-binding and non-enforceable, so you won't really have to do any of this stuff. Just get enough of those Tea-bagger, bitter-clinger rubes out there in flyover land to believe that you will, and re-election should be in the bag. Face it, this should be a cinch for you guys. Your used to telling them whatever they want to hear to get yourself a seat here in D.C. It's always worked before, so there's no reason to think that it won't work this time. And seriously, maybe we really can get rid of Pelosi. I'm thinking Frank or Rangel might fill out diversity quotient up a little bit better as the next Speaker.
Looking forward to victory in 2010,
Democratic National Committee Chair Tim Kaine
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