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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Obama re-writes Declaration of Independence

New item:  President Obama repeatedly misquotes Declaration of Independence, omits "Creator"

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

To:  Arne Duncan, Secretary of Education

Dear Arne,

How are things going with you these days?  As you know, there is nothing more important to our movement than education.  Actually, to be more accurate, there is nothing more valuable to our revolution than re-education.  What I want to talk to you about today is the re-education program we need to put in place in Amerikkka's schools concerning the racist, misogynist, capitalist bigots who founded this misbegotten nation.  For too long we've allowed the children of this nation to be indoctrinated with wild fabrications about their "founding fathers" and their declaration of independence.  You have allowed this document, which is quite frankly completely out-dated, to be taught "as is" in Amerikka's class rooms.  Well, that's got to change.

I've had a lengthy chat with Attorney General Holder, and he assures me that the wording we've been working with is completely unconstitutional.  The document in question actually references a "Creator" when claiming a variety of "rights" in its opening statement (I think they call it a "preamble" or something like that).  A.G. Holder is adamant (and I must say that I completely agree with him) that this wording violates the Separation of Church and State, the highest principle upon which our Great Revolution is based.  That being the case, I had A.G. Holder put together a crack team over at the Department of Justice to put together a new "preamble" which will be acceptable to be taught in this country's public schools.  I am directing you to put this revision into place in all textbooks immediately.  It will read as follows:

"We hold these truths to be generally acceptable, contingent upon Federal Court Review, that all sentient beings have evolved equally, and that these sentient beings have a number of rights bestowed to them by a benevolent Federal Government, and that among these rights are Abortion on Demand, Free Love and Expression of Sexuality, Free Health Care, Freedom from Lifestyle Judgments by their Communities, Freedom to Create and Consume Pornography, Miranda Warnings When Arrested by Fascist Pigs, and a Living Wage Guarantee.  To make sure that these rights are not violated we have established the ACLU and its subsidiary, the United States Department of Justice.  The Federal Government has absolute authority to enforce these rights, and to abolish any citizen or group of citizens opposed to these rights.  It is the right and duty of all citizens to unconditionally uphold the Federal Government in its protection of these rights.  As these rights are provided by the Federal Government, they may be revoked with or without cause, with or without notice, or distributed upon the basis of race, gender and sexual orientation as the Federal Government sees fit. "

Please see that this new wording goes into place immediately.  A.G. Holder assures Me that you will have the full backing of his department.  Likewise, Tim Geithner has assured me the IRS will be on hand to provide any needed help with unpatriotic tea-bagger dissidents. And just to be on the safe side, I have consulted with the two Supreme Court justices I have put in place.  They assure me that they are VERY comfortable with this language and feel secure that they can put together a five-vote majority to support it if need be.  So no sand-bagging, get to work.  The children of this pathetic, racist, homophobic, islamophobic, misogynist nation need their re-education now!


President for Life B. Hussein Obama

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