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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Vivian Schiller addresses NPR employees on covering Islam

From the desk of National Public Radio President and CEO Vivian Schiller:

Dear Comrades,

Many of you have expressed dismay and disagreement in response to my decision to terminate the employment of our former news analyst Juan Williams following his recent mental breakdown.  Although none of you have approached me directly about this matter, I know this is the case thanks to our recently installed security microphones in the break room, as well as the employment contracts you signed allowing me access to your personal e-mail accounts, cell-phone communications and home phone lines. 

First of all, let me stress that my training in journalistic ethics is far higher than that achieved by anyone else in this organization.  I trained in the good old days when "Russia" was still the Mighty and Enlightened Soviet Union.  When I trained in the Soviet Union, they really knew how to run a press.  The Glorious People's Newspaper, Pravda was a sterling example of journalism as it should be for the entire world.  For those of you who are too ignorant to know, "Pravda" means "Truth" in the beautiful Russian language, as a result of which the proletariat of the Great Soviet Society always knew what they were reading was indeed the real truth. 

After studying in the Soviet Union I found a home in the United States working for the New York Times, which, to my amazement, was actually able to match Pravda's commitment to truth and excellence in journalistic exposure of the bourgeoisie war-mongers who run this degraded and perverse capitalist society.  Having properly learned True Journalism from two such impeccable sources, I was properly prepared to assume the helm here at NPR.

Now, as to poor Juan.  After viewing his rambling and paranoid discourse on Fox News, which exhibited ALL the main tendencies of sluggishly progressive schizophrenia, it became clear to me that nothing would have benefited him more than an extended stay at the old psikhushka in Kazan, with a full round of treatments provided by the premier medical staff of the MVD.  Unfortunately the Great Soviet Union is no longer in place, and while I look forward to the day Obamacare can establish a similar system in this country, it has not yet come.  Thus, since I could not arrange for proper treatment for poor Juan I had to terminate his employment immediately, as all the best Soviet research has shown that sluggishly progressive schizophrenia is a highly contagious disease. 

Juan's case followed the classic symptoms first of all in his paranoia.  Quite frankly, anyone who harbors doubts, even small ones, to himself about flying with adherents of the Religion of Peace, is obviously disturbed.  All of our leaders, from both parties, have repeatedly stated that Islam is a Religion of Peace.  Had Juan studied in the Soviet Union as extensively as I have, he would have understood that it was not his place to question his leaders.  Instead, he should have accepted their wise counsel and settled his uneasy thoughts away.  That he was unable to do so, and that he further expressed such thoughts, was proof that his disease was progressing at an alarming rate.

Furthermore, Juan persisted in pursuing some ridiculous struggle for "truth and justice".  He insisted on appearing on a "fair and balanced" news network run by a capitalist pig.  He actually questioned the truths that we here at NPR hold so dear.  Comrades, these are the classic symptoms of sluggishly progressive schizophrenia.  Had I not removed Juan when I did, many more of you might already be infected!  Remember, it is not your place to seek "truth and justice".  If you want to know the truth, ask me, or listen to the words of Our Great Leader Obama.  If you seek justice, then do as I tell you and follow the dictates of Our Great Leader Obama.  All else is the road to madness and unemployment. 

Comrades, I hope this unfortunate incident has served as a good lesson for all of you.  Remember your place and your duty.  Remember that your freedom comes from doing the work of Our Great Leader Obama.  Do not question Him, do not question me, and do not question The Holy Prophet of Islam.  Do this and all will be well for you.  Fail in this and you will join Juan on the unemployment line. 

Your Fellow Traveler,

Vivian Schiller, President and CEO of National Public Radio

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