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Friday, October 8, 2010

The Episcopalians weigh in on immigration (and other matters)

From the desk of the Very Right Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O'Shaunessy-Mitchell:

Dear Congregants,

It has come to my attention that we as a nation (although not we as a congregation if this might cause any offense to any of OUR faithful flock) that our fellow Americans are not as openly accepting of the huddled masses as we ourselves are. Indeed, on observing this phenomenon, I often offer a prayer of thanks to Gaia that I am not as this Baptist preacher across the street, who not only persists in his abominable screeds against abortion, but persists in having THREE (ugh!) children and driving a SUV. Clearly, many so-called "Christians" in our community have utterly failed to realize the eschatology of the Gnostic Gospels (copies of which you can find on the back table, in front of the tracts on separating paper and plastics in our recyclables) requires that we encourage a zero-growth population strategy. Of course we cannot be so racist, hegemonic and colonialist as to insist that our new arrivals from Mexico do the same; it is of the utmost necessity that we show the utmost tolerance for their cultural norms, regardless of how different from our own. Once again, in my daily meditation to the Great Wheel of Destiny, I give thanks that I am not like that Baptist blowhard across the street.

Of course, this leads naturally to my next topic: Fees for our landscaping service. I have been informed that Eco-Green Lawns, LLC, will be our new service provider for upkeep of the grounds. Although this provider has advised us they cannot provide the customary guarantee we have received in the past against pests and vermin, they will provide us with a guarantee that all their work is Earth Friendly, which is, of course, our primary concern. Just remember, should we actually have a visitor with children, we should remind them that the children should stay indoors since we cannot assure they would not be bitten by fire ants, ticks, chiggers, etc. Krishna only knows what our liability would be in such a case. Fortunately, I cannot remember the last time we had any children in this building. Once again, I thank Buddha we are not like those Baptists.

In regards to the question placed in my inquiry box: I do believe this is a hoax, but I will treat it seriously. No, our national obligation to hospitality to immigrants across our (illegitimate) Southern border does NOT mean that we actually have to allow them to live in OUR own houses. Please understand, and I am tired of repeating this, hospitality is a NATIONAL, not a PERSONAL obligation. The very thought of those hordes of sweaty brows, with all their snot-nosed children (ugh!). And yes, I am aware that the Baptist preacher across the street has actually taken a couple of their kids into his house and is trying to arrange for their education. Well, all I can say is I once again thank the Earth Spirits of Wicca that I am not as that Baptist.

May Our Non-Gender Specific Originator of Undetermined Origin Keep You in Its Care,

The Very Right Reverend Mary Moonbeam Black Crow O'Shaunessy-Mitchell

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