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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

President Obama addresses NASA on Chilean rescue success

News item:  NASA designs rescue vehicle for Chilean mine rescue effort, special diet to protect miners' health during extraction, doctors to assist with treatment of rescued miners, and other assistance in unprecedented rescue of trapped miners. 

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama,

To:  NASA Administrator Charles Bolden

Dear Charlie,

Well, I suppose at this point you're expecting some sort of commendation for a job well done.  Maybe you didn't get the memo, or maybe you just don't care.  I'm really beginning to wonder about you.  Quite frankly, I think what we have here is a failure to communicate.

So you rescued a bunch of miners who were stupid enough to get themselves stuck in a hole in the ground.  First of all, let Me point out that when you insist on raping the Earth for human "needs" you should expect this sort of thing to happen.  Have you stopped to think what might have happened if those miners had not been rescued?  Maybe the greedy corporations that are destroying our planet would have a harder time recruiting more of the proletariat to go into a mine and pillage the Earth if those miners had died a slow, painful death.  But no, you had to go and make a big deal out of helping to rescue them, and in so doing encourage people to think of them as "heroes" instead of the rapists and pillagers of Our Mother Earth that they really are.

Additionally, have I not made your primary mission clear to you?  In what way did any of this business of rescuing trapped Chilean miners help build Muslim self-esteem?  Chile isn't even a Muslim country!  (Okay, that's on the plate for the future, but that's another point.)  None of those miners were Muslims.  In point of fact, they all seemed to be saying they were christians.  Were any of the rescue crew you sent down there Muslims?  If so, why haven't I heard about it?  So here we are, wasting our precious resources to rescue a bunch of arrogant christians who are raping the Mother Earth.  How does that bring glory to Allah and His Holy Prophet?  How does that cause the Brotherhood of the True Faith to be exalted?

Look, I'm sick and tired of hearing from you about "space exploration" and "technology for a better life on Earth".  At what point did I indicate that either of those ridiculous notions has anything to do with NASA's mission under this administration?  And so help me, if I hear one word about "American exceptionalism" I'll have you, your entire family, and all of your friends facing IRS audits all the way back to 1968!  If it doesn't help Muslims feel good about themselves, it's not part of your job.  Get that through your head or I'll have to make an example of you.

It's clear I made a mistake when I appointed you to this position.  I saw "African-American" on the file Rahm handed me and just figured you would know how to take orders from Me.  But now that I've reviewed your file, I see that you used to be a US Marine.  And not only that, you actually took part in the illegal war against the peace-loving people of North Viet-Nam.  So, how many babies did you kill, anyway?  I am getting completely sick and tired of the attitude you and your pathetic marine buddies are always showing.  Always thinking you and America are better than everybody else.  It's about time you learned you aren't, and I guess I'll have to be the one to teach you a lesson on that.

You can count yourself lucky for the minute, since so many of the pathetic tea-bagger rednecks in this country think you're some kind of hero right now.  But there's a lot of people calling for cut-backs in the federal budget, and I think I just found an agency we can afford to get rid of.  Just remember, it's nobody's fault but your own.  All you had to do was glorify True Islam, and like a typical infidel, you blew it.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

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