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Sunday, October 10, 2010

No Social Security COLA in 2011

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Senior Voters,

As you unfortunately may have heard two weeks prior to these important mid-term elections, there will be no cost of living adjustment for those of you living on social security in 2011, just as there was none in 2010.  I would like to take a few minutes of your time to explain to you why this has happened, and what can be done about it.

First of all, let me assure you that this is in no way the fault of Myself, My administration, or the Democratic Party in general.  I am aware that those nefarious tea-baggers have attempted to take advantage of your admittedly reduced mental faculties (I know that old-timers disease gets a lot of you, and then you want to vote Republican) to try to convince you this is My fault.  Well, as anyone without dementia can see, this is CLEARLY the Republicans fault.

No, TARP, the stimulus bill, the automakers' bailout, the teachers' union bailout, and the upcoming California/Pennsylvania public sector union bailouts had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the federal government will not be able to increase your monthly check.  As my good friend P. Krugman has explained in depth many times, deficit spending actually brings the economy roaring back.  After all, had we not passed My stimulus bill, unemployment would have passed eighteen percent, just as I predicted (please ignore the misprints that claimed I said "eight" percent, they are entirely false).  In fact, all this extra spending is the only reason so many of your children, grand-children, great-grand-children and what not still have jobs to pay social security taxes to support you at the current level.  So you should be thankful I've been able to keep this pathetic country afloat at all.

Just as the Republicans cut your Medicare payments to fund new health care for illegal aliens (yes, it WAS the Republicans who did that), so it is the Republicans who have refused to provide extra money for social security.  Why, just the other day, that great american N. Pelosi was telling me how she tried to keep Congress in session to vote for increases in Social Security payments, but the Republicans insisted on adjourning early to go home and campaign because they're so worried about how we're going to thrash them in this election.  So remember, it was the REPUBLICANS who slashed Medicare by five-hundred billion dollars, and it was the  REPUBLICANS who voted to adjourn early without increasing your Social Security benefits.

Now, on a related topic, I hear a lot of you have been worrying yourselves about this end-of-life counseling provision in the new health care for all already healthy seniors law.  Some of you have even been talking about so-called "death panels".  Well, tell me, who did you hear about "death panels" from, anyway?  That's right, it was Sarah Palin.  A REPUBLICAN.  So remember, if you're staying up all night worrying about death panels, it was a REPUBLICAN who came up with them. 

So to wrap things up, remember, it was REPUBLICANS who adjourned early and didn't raise your Social Security benefits, it was REPUBLICANS who cut Medicare by five-hundred billion to finance health care for illegal aliens, and it was REPUBLICANS who came up with death panels for old people.  So get out there and vote those evil Republicans out of office.  And while you're at it, please remember that thanks to My new, expanded Patriot-Act II I can cross-reference your Social Security number with your voting record and adjust your waiting period to see a doctor appropriately.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

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