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Saturday, October 9, 2010

Vice President Joe Biden promises to "play Hell" if Dems lose 2010 mid-terms

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

Dear Vice President Biden,

Well, I must admit, you certainly have a way with words.  Most of the time we here at the firm prefer a more subtle approach.  It usually does little good to let the other side know your true intentions before you make your move.  That being said, I was gratified to see that your audience was most receptive.  The fact that they so enthusiastically accepted the idea of Hell on Earth is a great comfort to many in the lower levels of the firm.  The fact that they actually prefer to rule in Hell rather than serve the other side was especially pleasing to The Founder of our Great Firm, who said that it reminded him of the "good old nights" when he first founded our great institution.

Now, since you have vowed to "play Hell", kindly allow someone who knows what that is all about to give you a few pointers.  Please do pay close attention; while you used the word "play", the execution of a plan to bring Hell to Earth is anything but "playful".

Action one:  Obama's Civilian Security Corps.  During the previous election, your President promised to establish a civilian security corps which would be answerable to him and would be equal in size and power to the U.S. military.  The lower management of our firm was positively delighted with this promise; needless to say they have been QUITE disappointed that this initiative has not yet been carried out.  It must proceed post-haste.  Please be assured that this force is equipped with a proper uniform, with either a black or brown shirt (those snazzy New Black Panther Party outfits might be a good starting place) and appropriate levels of authority.  One thing here:  make sure that this new force does not take the same thrice-cursed oath of office as the current U.S. military officers.  The oath that U.S. military officers take to uphold your thrice-cursed Constitution is nothing but an impediment to our goals, and the fact that the overwhelming majority of those officers take that oath seriously and are willing to fight to defend it causes us no end of consternation.  Instead, make sure your new Civilian Security Service takes an oath of loyalty directly to the President.  It is of the utmost importance that their oath be to a man (albeit one who is more than a man, as we all know and acknowledge down here) and not to some ridiculous set of laws.

2.  By whatever means necessary, protect the gains already made, especially Obamacare.  Our actuarial department has determined that the more rapidly and fully this program is implemented, the more quickly Hell will come to Earth.  Under no circumstances must you allow the forces of the other side to circumscribe this grand project.  Of especial importance are provisions allowing for the Ultimate Right of free access to abortion upon demand, including up to three months after live birth, and the termination of medical assistance privileges to those individuals to elderly, weak or infirm to carry their own weight in society.  Once you make sure that these programs are firmly in place and accepted by the populace, Hell  on Earth will follow in short order.

3.  Much of your opposition is coming from those religious fanatics who actually believe in such ridiculous superstitions as a "resurrection", "atonement" by some so-called "Christ", and such like, while bitterly clinging to their ridiculous, out-dated Bibles.  It's time to put an end to that.  We have out-sourced the IRS to you for a reason.  If these "churches" continue with their teachings on "pro-life", "marriage", etc. which are in opposition to your legitimate governmental authority, have their tax-exempt status revoked, then tax them out of existence.  If they object, or try to resist, we can provide assistance from the BATF as well.  Just get them out of our hair, and once again Hell on Earth is sure to follow.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful, by which I mean you should implement them immediately.  Do not delay until the new Congress is sworn in next January.  The lame duck session is there for a reason.  Please remember, failure to deliver on your promises to our grand firm would constitute a breach of contract.  I hope I do not have to remind you what THAT could mean.


D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

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