Total Pageviews

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Alan Grayson's path to re-election

From the desk of D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

To: Congressman Alan Grayson

Dear Congressman Grayson,

Well, it seems your having a bit of trouble here. Nothing like a "Daniel Webster" to give a devil his due, is there? All right, let me explain a few things to you here.

First of all, as to what you are doing right: You have been masterful at following our firm's recommendation concerning false witness. Your "Taliban Dan" ad was quite simply one of our favorite pieces ever, right up there with Tom Cruise in "A Few Good Men" (because we loved seeing a lawyer show up those stupid Marines). But I digress. What you need is MORE of the same. You need MORE Taliban Dan ads, more ads explaining that Republicans want old people to die quickly (I LOVE the irony of using that while you are the one actually voting to cut Medicare and install death panels! Brilliant!) and so forth. What you need then is more money. But isn't that always the case? Well, of course we can help.

We here at the firm have been in contact with our sister organization, the George Soros Foundation. We can assure you all the funding you need to continue your great work of bearing false witness to ensure that religious fanatic you are running against is both defeated and defamed. But we'll need a little something from you first. Not your soul, obviously. We've got that already, per our previous agreements. No, a little something else. But let's come back to that in a minute.

You still have room for improvement as a Congressman. Yes, I know it's hard to believe, but you can become even better. I see in your rhetorical style, with it's bombastic flourishes and appeal to the masses, along with its disregard for such irrelevancies as facts, a reminder of one of my all time favorites, Il Duce. I think you could really be just like him. There's just a couple of little steps you need to take.

You may have noticed that back in the good old days of the 1930s, Our Candidates weren't afraid to get their hands dirty. They weren't afraid of a good rumble every now and then to get their point across to the people. Already I see our seed has been sown in Kentucky amongst those on both sides. What about it Congressman, are you up to the task? You have always seemed to us to be just the sort of guy who would know how to "take it to the street".

If you are willing to use Strife, one of our favorite tools, in its most literal sense, then we believe you can still win this election. We will be happy to provide plenty of troops from the SEIU (Don't you just love the purple shirts? So much nicer than brown or black.) and funding from Soros.

Now as to that one little thing we will need? Well, you have shown no hesitancy to back our death panels, to slander your opponents, to use lawfare against your critics or to hasten the death of the unborn. So we need to see you with a little blood on your hands Alan. Not metaphorically or metaphysically, but real, true, blood. Because we've seen your actions, listened to your speeches, and know what's in your heart. We know this is what you really want. So just go ahead and do it, and all we can offer will be yours. After all, that Webster clown has it coming anyway.

Your friend in wrath,

D. Mephistopheles, Attorney-at-Law

No comments:

Post a Comment