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Friday, October 8, 2010

President Obama consoles William Ayers upon his denial of tenure by the University of Illinois

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Bill,

I was very disturbed to learn of your recent difficulty with the University of Illinois, and wish to assure you that Eric Holder will be looking into the matter with all due alacrity. I believe it might behoove us to have Tim Geithner's people in the IRS looking into the matter as well; nothing sends a message like an audit.

After reflecting on our conversation the other day, I have a couple of pieces of advice to offer regarding your current problems. First of all, please remember that this is NOT 1974. Certain solutions you have mentioned to this problem would NOT go over well at the present time. While your outrage is justified, expressing it in this manner would be a real problem for my November plans.

As to my second point: It will, of course, soon be November. And of course October comes just before November. And of course there are always "surprises" this time of year. Just be sure the surprise is directed at an appropriate target. A target that will generate sympathy for those of us slaving away in government service, not some tea-bagger nutbags. We can take care of them AFTER November. Rezko gave me a couple of numbers to call, you know, so things WILL get handled.

In the meantime, keep your eyes on the prize. This is just a little setback. You've had them before. Maybe you could suggest that it's really a problem with Islamaphobia. After all, wasn't Sirhan a Palestinian? Start shouting that and racism loud enough, and the university will probably reverse itself in no time.

Finally, about that OTHER thing. As we've discussed, the vote may not go our way in November. Fortunately, your wonderful Prairie Fire Companion (got one right here where that stupid bust of Churchill used to be) has some great recommendations for that sort of problem. I've already been talking them over with certain people. And like our good friend in Turkey pointed out, you can always get off the train once democracy has gotten you to where you're going. So don't let them get you down over this. Just make sure you get all their names.

Your Friend and Admirer,

President B. Hussein Obama

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