From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
Dear Citizens,
I am pleased to announce to you that our Federal Agencies, under My incomparable guidance, have successfully intercepted a number of bombs sent to this country from Yemen. These bombs were disguised as normal office supplies, and targeted various houses of worship in this nation. Their interdiction is a great day for displaying My magnificent mastery of governance. This attempted attack does, however, raise some questions which I wish to address at this time.
The greatest question raised is, of course, why do these folks keep trying to blow you up? I believe I can answer that question, and if you will have the spiritual fortitude to accept my answer, then we can do something about it. Consider this: It is a well-known historical fact that prior to the establishment of the illegitimate state of israel in 1948, there was an unblemished historical record of peace and harmony between the Muslim world and western europe for several centuries. The only instances where this peaceful accord was disturbed was when the barbaric invaders of western europe attacked Muslim lands in the so-called "crusades". Once again, this was an attempt by europeans, no doubt goaded by jewish bankers, to take the Holy City from the peaceful Muslims who lived there, an attempt which was, thankfully, thwarted by the great hero Saladin.
To this day the criminal enterprise which calls itself "israel" illegally occupies the homeland of the peaceful and noble Palestinian people. This illegal occupation, along with the apartheid it has established, has reduced the once proud Palestinian Muslims to poverty and degradation. Now think about this: How can their Brother Muslims sit idly by while this holocaust occurs before their very eyes? They cannot. And who has been the biggest supporter of the criminal gangsters who run "israel"? It has, of course, been the united states of amerikkka. Citizens of this country, I must warn you, these terrorist attacks are nothing more than your chickens coming home to roost.
Next, I must address our response to this attempted attack. Many of you out their (especially in the benighted fly-over country) are clamoring for "justice" or even "vengeance". Well, vengeance is Mine, and I think I will hold of on it for now. After all, what would the result of such "vengeance" be, anyway? If we arrest, assassinate or execute an extremist who is simply trying to secure freedom for his Muslim brethren, we will only make him a martyr. He will get to go straight to Heaven to enjoy his seventy-two virgins, and more extremists will come to his cause. The fact is that by using violence we will only bring about more violence. Hence, you people of Amerikkka must learn to peacefully accept these attacks when they come upon you. By doing that you will avoid creating even more extremists. And anyway, it's really just your chickens coming home to roost.
Now, one other thought on this matter. A large number of you have been protesting this "ground-zero" Mosque. I can think of nothing that would create more extremists carrying out more attacks on this country than trying to block the building of a Mosque dedicated to nothing more than the peaceful unity and harmony of all the peoples of Allah (peace be upon His name). Perhaps you should consider whether it is your own attacks upon the building of this Great Mosque that have brought about this return attack as retribution. You might even call it your chickens coming home to roost. And if these protests are the cause of extremist bombings, then maybe I should have Janet Napalitano look into closing those protests down for the sake of public safety. After all, you cannot go around shouting "fire" in a crowded theater.
So for now, please try to remember not to create any more chickens that will need a roosting place, and learn to let go of your misguided notions of justice and vengeance.
Your President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
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