From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:
Dear Military Service Person,
It has come to my attention that some of you are as yet unclear on the purpose for your current deployment. This is a mystery to me, as I have communicated my intentions quite clearly for some time, but I suppose I must accept the fact that your education is not on par with the rest of us, so here it is again.
First and foremost, I must insist that you dispense with any notion of "victory" immediately. This stubborn insistence on "victory", especially by those of you lunkheads in the Marine Corps and Army Infantry, is completely inappropriate, and if it continues, will be disciplined by court martial if necessary. You are NOT, I repeat NOT, to concern yourself with any type of "victory". This single-minded pursuit of the Western, hegemonic, racist, islamaphobic notion of "victory" will not win over the hearts and minds of the Afghan people. Furthermore, this misguided notion of seeking "victory" over supposed "enemies" will only continue to be a recruitment tool for various extremist groups who may perpetrate violence in response.
Furthermore, to those of you who are officers in command positions, I am sick and tired of hearing about "force protection" and "overly cautious" rules of engagement. It pains me to see that even though I have ascended to Commander in Chief your troops are still a bunch of trigger happy rednecks, no doubt mostly from inner Pennsylvania and Arkansas, probably bitterly clinging to some notion of "honor" along with their guns and Bibles. Quite frankly, it seems that most of you need some extensive re-education, especially those of you with the Marine Corps and Army Infantry. So make sure your troops get their minds right, and let go of some of these antiquated, hegemonic, racist, male-dominated notions, or I promise you there will be the New York Times to pay.
Other than that, please know that you have my full and unwavering support.
Your Commander in Chief and President for Life,
B. Hussein Obama
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