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Friday, October 8, 2010

Rick Sanchez to Replace Charlie Gibbs at White House

From the desk of President B. Hussein Obama:

Dear Mr. Sanchez,

As you may have heard, my great friend and supporter Charlie Gibbs is feeling a bit worn out and is considering taking a hiatus from his job as press secretary. While I was pondering whom I should appoint as his successor, it came to may attention that your services are now available, as you have severed your ties with CNN. Thus, I would like to ask you to consider the position of White House Press Secretary. Quite frankly, I think that you would be perfect for the job.

First of all, I would like to point out that many of the difficulties that led to poor Charlie's exhaustion will not be a problem much longer. As you are only to well aware from your time at CNN, the Great Satan Fox News has been making life quite difficult for honorable journalists such as yourself as well as honorable public servants such as myself. Hence you can see how we might have a common enemy, as Rupert Murdoch's cancer cuts into your profits and my popularity. Fortunately, Tim Geithner, a true genius if there ever was one, has assured me there will be no Constitutional problem with providing funding for some of Fox's competitors, to even the playing field, so to speak. Additionally, my people at the FCC assure me that there isn't any REAL reason they cannot begin to regulate cable and satellite news broadcasts to make sure there is more fairness in the system, both for CNN and MSNBC (who will receive more "broadcast credits" than Fox in the new rationing system) and for the public, who will be guaranteed a REAL fair and balanced newscast as we here in Washington resurrect the Fairness Doctrine.

In reviewing your resume, furthermore, I see that you understand many of the problems facing our country on a deep, personal level. You understand that if you are a minority you can never get a fair shake. Good, good, I can use you here. You understand the Jewish conspiracy. Yes, I know, they forced you to apologize. Well don't worry, once you're here in Washington you won't have to do that anymore. My good friend and mentor, the Rev. J. Wright, has warned me quite well about " 'dem Jews" as he loves to put it. He's also offered to let me borrow a new book he's been reading, something about Protocols and Zion. Maybe we could make it our next pick for the White House Book Club.

I also see that you have the right nose for truth. I see that you were willing to out Rush Limbaugh for the racist bigot he really is when few others dared to do so. The fact that your comrades in the press corps failed to fully back you just shows how much work we have to do. But at least you understood the truth, and were willing to present it, even if you had to do some editorial work with Limbaugh's comments to make it work. But that is just the kind of real journalism we need here in Washington, and for the rest of the country. Which is why I think you, Rick Sanchez, will make the next great White House Press Secretary. I'm prepared to make you an offer you can't refuse. See you soon.

Your President for Life,

B. Hussein Obama

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