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Friday, October 22, 2010

Harry Reid Saves the World

"but for me, we'd be in a world-wide depression." -Harry Reid

From the desk of Senator Harry Reid:

Dear Constituents,

As we come up on election day 2010, there are a number of issues I would like you to think about, and many that I think you should put out of your minds completely.

First of all, I realize that Nevada has the highest unemployment rate in the United States, and that Las Vegas unemployment is at a record high.  Please put this out of your mind.  Instead, consider the following:  If it were not for me, Nevada would have the highest unemployment in the world.  That's right, but for my beneficial legislation from the Senate, the unemployment rate in the great state of Nevada would be worse than Somalia, Ethiopia or Sudan.  Do you want to live in a place like Ethiopia?  If not, then you had better vote for me.  Otherwise I will not be able to continue to protect you from the bad choices you would make if left to your own devices.  Vote for that crazy tea-bagger Angle and you might as well move to Angola, because that's how this state will end up.

Now I recognize that my blocking the nuclear waste storage facilities at Yucca Mountain have cost this state a large number of jobs, as well as any number of Federal tax benefits.  I know many of you would like to have high-paying jobs associated with such a project.  Well, put that out of your mind.  Instead, think about this.  I am working to expand our already proud tradition of legalized prostitution in Nevada.  I am having direct rail lines built here from Los Angeles, San Diego, and of course Salt Lake City as well as many other cities.  Soon we will have a booming sex industry here, with jobs for all.  Your daughters and wives will never have to be unemployed again.  Now that some of our brothels are offering male "services" your sons should be able to have fine careers as well.  It's my high-speed rails to hookers program, and it's our future.

I also want you to know that if not for me, there would have been hundreds, possibly even thousands of catastrophic terrorist attacks on this country.  It is a little-known fact that when not working in the Senate I am actually a CIA ninja, leading Delta Force commando squads to root out Al-Qaida cells around the globe.  Although that ingrate General Petraeus doesn't like to publicly admit it, I was single-handedly responsible for the success of his surge strategy in Iraq.  It was almost embarrassing how I had to keep convincing him we could win even though he wanted to give up.  That's right, if not for me we would have lost the Iraq war AND been conquered by Osama Bin Laden.

I also think you should know that I created the internet.  That's right, the vast computer network that enables the business transactions and social interactions which make your lives worth living is my creation.  I also gave Microsoft the source code for their famous Windows program as a humanitarian gesture, and since I couldn't profit from it while serving in the Senate anyway.

Additionally, I was the one who convinced John F. Kennedy that the United States could go to the moon.  Without my backing and brilliance NASA would never have existed.  I also discovered penicillin, which was a true savior for one of our top industries here in Nevada.  If you have a loved one who has survived cancer, I was the one who developed the treatment that saved their lives.  I built the Hoover Dam by myself. 

Not to brag, but I was personally responsible for Frodo Baggins casting the One Ring into Mount Doom.  I instructed Luke Skywalker in how to use the force to defeat Darth Vader.  I personally blew up both Death Stars.  I discovered the Northwest Passage and made the Louisiana Purchase.  I wrote and signed the Emancipation Proclamation.  I won the BCS championship in football ALL BY MYSELF.  I am tougher than Chuck Norris and smarter than Steven Hawking.  I am better looking than your dream girl and a better cook than your momma. 

So, as you can see, you have every reason in the world to vote for me.  You are besieged by innumerable problems, and quite frankly you cannot possibly solve these problems yourselves.  You need someone to guide you.  You need someone to tell you what to do.  You need someone to MAKE you do it if necessary.  You need Harry Reid, because only I can save the world.  That's the reason I was sent here from Planet Krypton.


Senator Harry Reid

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