Dear Voters,
Some of you seem to have taken a bit of umbrage with my completely legitimate questions about the faith of my heathen/pagan/wiccan(?) opponent Rand Paul. Specifically, some of you have asked how I can know what is the heart of the goat-worshiping voodoo practitioner Rand Paul, while simultaneously having the temerity to question MY religion. I suppose I will actually have to address the issue since I am currently, inexplicably, behind in the polls to the Baal worshiper Rand Paul.
First of all, as to Rand Paul's religion. It has come to my attention that a few decades ago the High Priest of Dagon known as Rand Paul was a member of a secret society on his college campus. Members of this society engaged in anti-Christian behavior. Since members of the society engaged in anti-Christian activity, and the demon-possessed tea-bagger Rand Paul was a part of this society, then we may safely say that Rand Paul is not a Christian. As you can see, my logic is utterly unassailable in this matter.
Now as to those other questions. Yes, I am a proud Roman Catholic, and make no secret of the matter. No, my support for abortion on demand, at taxpayer expense, which is directly antithetical to Catholic doctrine in no way affects the fact that I am a good Catholic and a good Christian. Abortion on demand is far too important a matter to allow such petty matters as religious faith to come into play when making decisions on how to vote. The primary decision on this matter must, of course, be defeating your primary opponent and shoring up your base. Some of you are so naive as to insist that being a Christian, especially a proud Roman Catholic, would mean that I should stand up to my base and support "unborn life". Indeed. I see that you are judging me. Judge not that ye be not judged. Bet you never heard that before, huh? You are probably a bunch of fake Christians just like that Zoroastrian nut job Rand Paul.
Additionally, some of you have taken me to task for my strong support for gay rights. Let me assure you, I can support gay rights all day long without violating any special tenets of my proud Roman Catholic faith. If you think I am wrong on this and question my Christianity, then you are obviously a bunch of Cthulu-worshiping, virgin-sacrificing, psychopathic lunatics.
Quite frankly, I and my Democratic colleagues are getting tired of this. It is beyond the pale that you would question our faith. If I say I am a Christian, and it helps me get elected, then that is just a happy coincidence. Nothing I do as a politician may be taken into account, because I must act for the Greater Good, which is, of course, far beyond such frivolities as "good" and "evil" on an individual basis. My social conscience is so great that it renders my personal conscience irrelevant. On the other hand, Republicans, with their opposition to the Holy Sacraments of Abortion on Demand and Gay Rights, have sacrificed their social conscience, and thus may be justly condemned as anti-Christian, even for offenses several decades old.
I hope this clears things up for you. If not, then you are obviously a tea-bagger animist looking for your future in a pile of chicken guts.
Sincerely,
Future Senator Jack Conway
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