Michael Steele on 2012

From the desk of Republican National Committee Chairperson Michael Steele:

My Fellow Republicans,

I believe it behooves us at this juncture to ponder our future. With the mid-term elections now just a few short days away, our internal polling suggests that there is an off-chance that we may actually take at least one house of Congress. I must confess, no one is more surprised by this turn of events than myself. As you are all well aware we are not yet ready to govern, yet it seems the reigns of authority are about to be thrust into our unwilling hands. Thus we should consider what we will do with the aforementioned reigns.

I believe it is of the utmost importance that we not govern in an irresponsible fashion which might alarm the people of this nation. Nothing could dim our future prospects more than to seek out unnecessary confrontations with our Democratic colleagues, and especially with our noble and ever-popular president. It is our responsibility to find ways to compromise with our President and thus provide a model of good governance, which will then show the people of this country that we can indeed be trusted with governing powers. Above all, me must avoid confrontations with our Democratic friends, as this will only increase the problems of partisanship which have embroiled our nation of late. By showing a willingness to compromise, and even capitulate, we will demonstrate that we are the better people.

That being said, I know some of you are concerned about incoming Congresspeople and Senators who may be members of the "Tea Party" movement. I too have noticed that they do indeed possess an unnecessarily pugnacious attitude. Might I suggest a course of action in dealing with these individuals? Let us invite them to soirees, dinners, fetes and all manner of fabulous entertainments afforded to us in this fair city. Once they learn that it really is possible for them to be well-liked here if they will only tone down the rhetoric and ease up on the fighting then surely they will learn to get along with our Democrat friends. I know it's worked for the rest of us.

Now as to the matter of 2012. We need a candidate who will not disturb the electorate. We need a candidate who will not make waves or rock the boat. We need a candidate who knows how to play the game here in D.C. so that he can actually get things done. We need a candidate who knows how to compromise and reach across the aisle. We need a candidate who understands that Republicans aren't really ready to govern, and so will allow the bureaucrats to run the show for us. I think you know who I mean. C'est moi, c'est moi! And just think, by voting for me you can show that America is finally a post-racial society and you aren't a bigot. What could go wrong?

Sincerely,

Republican National Committee Chairperson Michael Steele